Modern Primate

After being told repeatedly to do so on the basis of how much I’d “just love it,” I watched both seasons of HBO’s Game of Thrones. And, as everyone but me expected, I do just love it. It’s like The Lord of the Rings and The Sopranos had a baby that was given up for adoption and raised by Deadwood, with all the brutal violence, unnecessary nudity, and filthy language anyone could want in their sword-and-sorcery fantasy shows. The problem is, I watched both seasons incredibly rapidly and have been suffering some ill-effects, mentally. In fact, they just so happen to number exactly 20. Convenient how fictional, comedic maladies work, isn’t it?

1. Anybody who angers me, I now refer to as “usurper” and start plotting their imminent demise.
2. I keep trying to tie messages to the legs of passing ravens, expecting them to get where I want them to.
3. I expect every person I see throughout the day to suddenly attempt to kill me. (This was a preexisting condition only amplified by the show.)
4. I’ve started referring to anywhere I don’t want to go as being “North of The Wall.”
5. I have developed an intense distrust of anyone with blonde hair.
6. This distrust is doubled if they bear a striking resemblance to their uncle and none at all to their father.
7. Have given serious thought to changing my name to “Kylaeron Redbeard.”
8. I’ve also started referring to my family as “House Anderson.” (Our coat of arms is a box of Pop Tarts with the words “Always Toast, Never Microwave” written beneath)
9. I keep putting my hand in lighter flame to see if I’m “The Dragon.”
10. I walk around saying “Valar Morghulis” to passersby, expecting one day for something to happen.
11. I drink wine with breakfast. (again, a preexisting condition)
12. I have vivid, recurring dreams that I’m a Dire Wolf. They’re pretty cool.
13. I’ve become convinced that all raving, drug-addled lunatics are actually White Walkers.
14. I’ve taken to screaming “I shall take what is mine!” to my roommate when he gets the mail.
15. Am legitimately shocked by the lack of reputable brothels around town.
16. This one isn’t really a problem, but I think I’d like to open a bakery called “A Game of Scones.”
17. Living in Southern California where it’s usually very nice weather, I’ve now become terrified that “Winter is Coming,” and profess this believe to basically everyone.
18. I’ve started calling my building’s manager “The Hand of the Landlord.”
19. I’m much more cautious about calling people “Bastard” but much more liberal about using the C word. (This is maybe the worst one)
20. I’ve taken a hard stance on board games. “When you play the game of Monopoly, you win or you die.”

As you can see, while I’ve thoroughly enjoyed watching Game of Thrones, I’ve let it permeate too much of my life. And now I have to wait like a whole year before new shows are on. It’s going to be hard living with all of these ridiculous ailments. If only I wasn’t such a slave to following through with fictional list premises. Oh well.