Modern Primate

man, that's deep

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Posts Published June 2012

  1. EATINGANGRILY

    I have this bad habit of ignoring the fact that I’m hungry when I’m working. I wait until the hunger grows to anger before I finally find something edible and wolf it down like a pissed off… wolf.

    My girlfriend hates that. “Did you even taste it?” she aks me.

    But I know that I’m not alone. To prove it, I’ve created eatingangrily.tumblr.com and uploaded a bunch of stolen images from various places around the web. And if you feel so inclined, you can submit your own photos of yourself eating something angrily. It’ll be fun. After it goes up you can send a link to your friends and say, “look at me! My picture was featured on eating angrily dot tumblr dot com and now I’m an internet celebrity and/or meme! That makes me sort of famous!”

    Before you know it, some larger website will give it a new name like “Angreating” and then, under it’s new name, the craze will sweep the nation. “Angreating” will become “the new Shamrocking” before morphing into a dangerously competitive version of its former self. People will start eating things normally thought inedible, like drywall and bricks, all while scowling and grimacing harder and harder until someone finally dies of a simultaneous aneurism and burnt esophagus.

    And we’ll all laugh about it, then get pissed off again and demolish some falafels. Oh! It’ll be a hoot!

    Before I forget, here are those photos of people eating angrily.

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  2. SwampThing

    In 1978, Richard Donner’s Superman was an astonishing hit and ushered in the modern superhero movie in style. Its 1980 sequel was also a massive success and DC Comics was keen to capitalize on the Man of Steel’s box office success by bringing another of their classic heroes to the screen. But which one would they choose? The DC Universe has dozens of excellent characters to choose from so the next one would seem obvious… if you’re weird. No, instead of Batman, which they’d wait a decade for, they brought out a humanoid vegetable who lives in the marsh and tears people’s arm off. And they’d get new horror wunderkind Wes Craven, he of Last House on the Left and The Hills Have Eyes, to direct. Throw in some wholly unrealistic monster makeup and some weird, unnecessary nudity and you have none other than Swamp Thing.

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  3. fox news M for your awful ladybrain

    Recently our own Curt Rancor wrote an article trollishly extolling the virtues of Fox News’ new lifestyle magazine, Fox News M. “With a layout inspired by Pinterest,” he wrote, “her delicate mind won’t have any trouble navigating features like Brooklyn Decker’s Beach Secrets, 8 Steps to Really Clean Windows, How to Keep Mealybugs out of your Flour, and other articles relevant to her unique lifestyle as a housekeeper and a wife.”

    In short, Fox News M is great for tiny ladybrains negatively affected by things like “news” or “thinking.” You know what happens when ladybrains try to think –as opposed to shop–through their problems! They might mean well, but before you know it they’ll be splattering period blood all over your man cave. What a hassle, amirite fellas?

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  4. Geoffrey, can you come in here?

    - Yes, sir.

    Geoffrey, have you seen this video that shows how Aaron Sorkin has re-used his own dialog over and over among his various properties?

    - Mmmhmm. Saw it yesterday. Not bad.

    Do you think I should post it on Modern Primate?

    - Why?

    Well I’ve seen it on The Daily What, Reddit, and BuzzFeed. It’s what’s trending. It’s a big viral hit that everybody’s talking about.

    - Are they though? What are they saying about it?

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  5. 49_FEATS_HUMAN_ACHIEVEMENT

    My cat Geoffrey bet me that I wouldn’t go through with making this post. So here I am, attempting to prove him wrong.

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  6. Here’s an image shamelessly stolen from Reddit’s front page, because it’ll be everywhere else soon enough.

  7. Samuel J Bailey is onto something…

     

  8. stackhouse realization

    Having lots of sex with as many women as possible is the best, most desirable thing that any man can aspire to, right?

    That’s usually the message presented by most male characters in popular media today. Male promiscuity is almost always portrayed as something admirable. But rarely, if ever, do we see a character who realizes that this behavior is self-destructive. So when Jason Stackhouse came to this introspective realization on last night’s True Blood, I was blown away.

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  9. take the activia challenge

    So far, the Presidential nomination process has supplied the American people with enough facepalms and uncomfortable laughter to last every man, woman and child well into 2013. Lost in this torrid shitshow has been the subtle art of political slashfic—UNTIL NOW. Each week I’ll select a particular media artifact (a picture, video clip, or ill-conceived comment) and will write a story based on the people, places or things contained therein. When we last saw Rick Santorum, he had just found a new career as Mitt Romney’s beloved family dog. Let’s see how he’s getting settled in!

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  10. Lincoln

    This weekend, Timur Bekmambetov’s film Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter comes out. Based on the wildly popular novel by Seth Grahame-Smith, it tells the previously unknown story of Mr. Lincoln’s battle with an army of vampires throughout his life and presidency. This is sure to be interesting escapist fare, but did you know there other presidential-themed action/horror movies slated for release? Well, let’s pretend there are. Here are the similar films coming soon to a theater near me and probably not you.

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