Modern Primate

This week, BuzzFeed’s Allison McCann posted a list of the 27 things you can’t do if you’re not on Facebook. Being on Facebook is just so important, apparently! The following is my list of the 27 reasons why I would beg to differ, and why my life is still better without it.

1. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t prove you’re not a serial killer for Airbnb rentals

Yes because serial killers tend to include that sort of information in their public profiles.

2. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t see what music your friends are listening to

I don’t care what music my friends are listening to. Nor do I care if they care about what music I’m listening to, which is actually what you mean.

3. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t have a simple alibi if you’re accused of a crime

That information would be legally inadmissible.

4. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t get a job at Facebook

5. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t get a job at a public agency

Weak premise; not being on Facebook might raise a red flag for a prospective employer. But it also could not, so who cares.

6. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t see what videos your friends are watching

I have enough shit to do already.

7. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t crowdsource locating missing pets with zero effort

If my pet went missing, I would want to put in more than zero effort.

8. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t see exactly where your friends who have Facebook are

You mean I’ll have no way of verifying that my friends are at home on their computers, reading Facebook??

9. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t comment on your favorite website

But then how will people I don’t know not read what I have to say about Kim Kardashian’s ass??

10. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t share life’s biggest moments

I would rather share my biggest moments with the people who actually give a shit about my biggest moments, not the people I’m pretty sure I went to high school with and whose names I only remember because I am friends with them on Facebook.

11. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t stay truly connected with your grandparents

Email.

12. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t publicly prove you are smarter than your friends

I didn’t realize I was an asshole.

13. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t poke someone in an acceptable manner

Is there ever an acceptable way to poke someone?

14. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t talk to people against their will

Conversely, people can’t talk to me against my will.

15. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t find friends who will give you their organs

Ok.

16. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t discover the secret of eternal beauty

Ok.

17. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t revisit old digital memories instantly

Not all memories are worth revisiting.

18. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t easily converse in pirate

I don’t even know what that means.

19. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t force your religious beliefs on others

Is this….a good thing?

20. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t learn helpful new dating tips

I’d rather keep Facebook out of my vagina.

21. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t change the world

Kony 2012

22. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t have an @facebook.com address and an open invitation to spam

Is this list ironic, or just BuzzFeed?

23. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t see who voted with your same name!!!!

Why would anyone want to do that.

24. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t get your lost wallet returned

Or have the serial killer who stayed in my Airbnb come serial kill me.

25. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t find some cute babies to adopt

Good.

26. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t say good-bye, digitally

Because nothing unpleasant ever happens on Facebook memorial pages.

27. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t win free swag

But I don’t go to Applebees.

In conclusion, I think that somehow, if I dig really deep, I will continue to survive without Facebook.