Modern Primate

The weekend fast approaches. And with it, a heightened drive to GET WITH somebody. And by “get with,” we mean in a non-platonic physical way. A little crotch makeout. Tingle Tangle, USA. Hop Scotch Box. SEX. Are we clear?

For some of you that means sex with a woman, and as women we know how difficult that can be. There are so many sexes for women: Positions, Terrains, Anatomies…other metaphors for sex. There are just too many variables and if you’re not doing it right, chances are everyone is going to know that you’re bad at sex (FYI here’s the secret website all women use to rate their partners. Password=imdefinitelyawoman). And that would be the worst. Being terrible at sex is the worst possible thing ever, and there is absolutely no way you can ever climb out of the hole you dug yourself with your physical fumblings as a bad sex person.

Lucky for you, Friday means sensual advice. And Friday the 13th means you get 13. Because if you are superstitious about anything, it should be about how you treat that lady you’re trying to delicately bang. And also because sex advice pieces are all about numbers.

13 Ways(to Find Ways) to Make Her Go Boom
In Descending Priority

1. Ask yourself.

2. Consult appropriate printed texts. Your BFF Maxim has loads of advice for a hot scenario in a limo in Tijuana on MLK Day. Or maybe you prefer a quarterly about gentlemen? GQ can show you great knowledge about “The Road to O-Town.” That one thing they told you to do with your tongue and spelling “abracadabra” is so boom-able. TOTALLY do it!

3. Turn to the REAL DEAL bible of all women everywhere: Cosmo. If the men’s magazines don’t give you enough to go on, head straight for this bastion of lady advice. Their suggestions of incorporating dental products are so spot on.

4. Do not bring up sex in conversation.

5. Check out “The Internet.” You’re on it right now. Anything that uses poor stock photography means they spent a lot of time formulating their sex strategies.

6. Ask an adult for help. This worked for homework assignments, figuring out if things were safe to eat and working with power tools. It’ll definitely work for sex. Parents know best!

7. Ask her boss or coworkers. They have a real handle on her work habits. And as the old saying goes, “If she’s a lady in the office, something something orifice.”

8. Watch The Closer. Is it an American crime drama OR chock full of secrets on CLOSING? TNT is onto something there.

9. Make a cardboard cutout. Of your ladypartner. Make sure it’s life-like, for practical purposes.

10. Excavate cave drawings. History is important and women haven’t changed since the dawn of time. This will tell you everything she wants and maybe a little bit about ritualistic killings.

11. Pay attention to astronomy. Find whatever constellation is brightest in the sky tonight and study it for some hot tips, especially where positions are concerned. Soon, you’ll be unbuckling her Orion’s belt.

12. Listen to all her records backwards. This is just a fun thing to do.

13. Last resort: Talk to the air next to her. Questions about what makes her feel good are a total mood killer.

Whatever you do, don’t use your words to talk about sex. Seriously, why are you asking her if this is true? Don’t talk to her!

How to Treat a Lady provides sensual advice every Friday. Brought to you by KK & Tien of Ladiez Home Journal, who both solemnly swear to No Dumb Girl Crap.