Modern Primate

For some unexplainable reason, pop songs like to ask questions and then never answer them. I have no idea why they do this, but they do it. If you pose a question and then never answer them, what’s the point? Are they ALL rhetorical? Some of them seem pretty direct. I think all of these singers and songwriters are waiting for somebody, anybody, to answer their queries and I think I’m just the silly sod to do it. So, without further ado (or adieu for that matter), here are my answers as honestly as possible.

Are You Going to San Francisco? – Not at the moment.

Have You Ever Seen the Rain? – Lots of times. I hear in Spain it falls mainly on the plane.

Do You Believe In Life After Love? – Yes, provided “Love” doesn’t have the first name Courtney.

Do You Know the Way to San Jose? – You take I5 northwest for five-and-a-half hours.

Are You Lonesome Tonight? – Well, yes, but I don’t want to cuddle, Elvis.

Would? – Okay, Alice in Chains, you’re going to need at least a predicate and a subject for me to realistically answer this. Can? Sure. Would? I don’t know.

Do You Wanna Dance? – Not particularly.

Wouldn’t It Be Nice? – You guys can waste your whole day wistfully thinking about stuff that isn’t happening, but I’m a realist. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to read comic books.

Why Don’t We Do It In the Road? – Geez, how many reasons do I need? It’s dangerous, it’s exposed, it can’t be comfortable. Even if no one is watching us, as you claim, I think I’d feel weird about it. I’m flattered by the offer, though.

Who Is He (And What Is He To You?) – That’s none of your business. I don’t even know you.

What Do I Get? – Umm, I have a cookie you can have if you’d like. Or three Ritz Crackers.

Ain’t That a Shame? – Nah, it’s okay. It could happen to anybody, don’t feel bad.

Have You Seen Your Mother, Baby, Standing in the Shadows? – What? No. Why is my mom standing in the shadows? She’s not creepy. How dare you talk about my mom that way, Jagger? And I’m not your baby. This aging hipster act isn’t working anymore, okay? Only assholes call people who aren’t their child or their lover “baby.” Have you seen YOUR mother? She’s been dead for a hundred years, cuz you’re fucking OLD.

What’s Love Got To Do With It? – A surprising amount, actually.

Who’ll Stop the Rain? – Creedence, you’re preoccupied with rain. I don’t get it, but I think you’ve got some kind of water fixation. No one can stop the rain, especially Al Roker.

Are We Not Men? – You’re Devo… oh, you answered that one yourselves.

(What’s So Funny ‘Bout) Peace, Love, & Understanding? – It’s the way you said it.

Do You Feel Like I Do? – All right, Frampton, enough of the pot, okay? I don’t want to look at your hand, either.

Where Is My Mind? – Probably the same place Frampton left his.

Were You There (When They Crucified My Lord?) – Nope, that was several thousand years ago. I was there when they crucified Jeff, though. That guy was a dick.

I’m done answering questions now, but I think I did a pretty good job of giving these the proper amount of attention. Next time you hear any of these songs, you’ll know how to respond.