Modern Primate

man, that's deep

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  1. Last Monday was National TV Dinner Day. The week before that there was National Bacon Day. That was particularly exciting because our Butt Bacon myth picked up steam again. But of all of the foods deserving of their own day, there doesn’t seem to be any concensus about when to celebrate the pickled egg.

    At first I was like you, skeptical of why anyone would ever want to eat such a thing. But after the first bite I was hooked. There are already a lot of great pickled egg recipe videos on Youtube – from DeepFriedKing’s re-used Clausin brine recipe, to Rudomundo’s re-used Mt. Olive brine recipe, all the way up to more complicated recipes like MegaDiddly’s masterpiece “My World Famous Pickled Eggs.”

    Seriously. Just searching “pickled eggs” on Youtube is a dangerous, productivity-killing rabbit-hole. I mean, just now I discovered this gem:

    This is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. The image that BigHouseDaddy conjures up of Easter coming to an end with his father taking away the eggs and pickling them… it’s… It’s just the greatest thing ever to be put to words. You know what? Watch my video if you want. BigHouseDaddy’s video is the real star of this post.


    I have this bad habit of ignoring the fact that I’m hungry when I’m working. I wait until the hunger grows to anger before I finally find something edible and wolf it down like a pissed off… wolf.

    My girlfriend hates that. “Did you even taste it?” she aks me.

    But I know that I’m not alone. To prove it, I’ve created and uploaded a bunch of stolen images from various places around the web. And if you feel so inclined, you can submit your own photos of yourself eating something angrily. It’ll be fun. After it goes up you can send a link to your friends and say, “look at me! My picture was featured on eating angrily dot tumblr dot com and now I’m an internet celebrity and/or meme! That makes me sort of famous!”

    Before you know it, some larger website will give it a new name like “Angreating” and then, under it’s new name, the craze will sweep the nation. “Angreating” will become “the new Shamrocking” before morphing into a dangerously competitive version of its former self. People will start eating things normally thought inedible, like drywall and bricks, all while scowling and grimacing harder and harder until someone finally dies of a simultaneous aneurism and burnt esophagus.

    And we’ll all laugh about it, then get pissed off again and demolish some falafels. Oh! It’ll be a hoot!

    Before I forget, here are those photos of people eating angrily.

    Read More »

  3. foxnewsmagazineheader

    Does your woman get jealous when she sees you reading a news website? Does her tiny lady brain find the layout of most news sites too confusing? Well, Fox News has the solution!

    Fox News Magazine is a new kind of news magazine, custom-tailored to the habits and interests of a woman. With a layout inspired by Pinterest, her delicate mind won’t have any trouble navigating features like Brooklyn Decker’s Beach Secrets, 8 Steps to Really Clean Windows, How to Keep Mealybugs out of your Flour, and other articles relevant to her unique lifestyle as a housekeeper and a wife.

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  4. I found an interesting Tumblr the other day called Advice For a Generation of Men. The blog is full of earnest advice on how to be a real man’s man. You know, the kind of stuff today’s panty-waisted betas need to be told because it doesn’t come naturally to them like it does to us.

    For the most part, the blog is spot-on, but some of his advice just seems a little too subtle. So I’ve gone through some of his posts and added my own clarifications in bold red text to better illuminate AFAGOM’s subtext.

    Read More »

  5. 21st Century MENu

    According to important scientific literature, millennial men are totally into cooking. GASP. Men in the kitchen, you say??? It’s true. Well, at least for the 24-year-old male mice used in this study…you should have seen their tiny cage kitchens! And their knife skills! That’s how Science works, right?

    Read More »


    An attempt at viral fame ended in tragedy Monday when a 22 year-old social media intern took his love of internet humor too far.

    Joshua Flaherty of New Brunswick, NJ passed away at Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital late Monday night due to Sepsis, a bacterial infection resulting from a gastrointestinal perforation, following the rectal insertion of precisely 10 pounds of hickory smoked bacon.

    “Josh had a really big heart, and he just loved giving people what they wanted,” said Flaherty’s mother Linda. “When he told me about the project, I thought to myself, Josh is a smart kid and he’s made good at this Internet thing so far. What could go wrong?”
    Read More »

  7. Screen Shot 2012-09-14 at 10.07.26 AM

    How to make your own S’uper S’mores


    • Krispy Kreme Donuts
    • Ridiculously big marshmallows
    • Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

    Step 1. Place a Krispy Kreme donut on your tray.

    Step 2. Place your Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup on top of that Krispy Kreme Donut.

    Step 3. Place a second Krispy Kreme donut on your tray.

    Step 4. Place your ridiculously large marshmallow on top of that Krispy Kreme donut.

    Step 5. Heat it.

    Step 6. Mush your two halves together.

    Step 7. Eat it.

    Tempted to try it yourself? Post pictures of your own S’uper S’mores in the comments to unlock the “Kitchen Conqueror” achievement!

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