Modern Primate

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  1. bf guide to pinterest header

    Pinterest has grown quickly to become the 3rd largest social network on the web, and has a user base that’s over 80% women. So what does this mean for men, and for that matter, for women?
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  2. Is it just me, or does everything nowadays kind of suck? I’m not entirely certain, but I think what I’m feeling has to do with turning 30.

    I spent most of the first 13 years of my life in the same small town in South Dakota. It was the kind of town where everybody knew everybody, and everybody knew — or at least thought they knew — what everybody else was up to. Gossipping about your neighbors’ infidelities was practically the unofficial pass-time. There’s a certain degree of smalltalk about sports and world politics, but those conversations generally never went too far because anything outside of the town’s borders might as well have been happening on Mars for how far removed it all was. Getting out of there was the best thing that ever happened to me.

    A couple years ago I went back for my first visit in about another 10 years. A few businesses had changed, but there weren’t many businesses there in the first place. The only change that really stood out was how most of the stores’ hand-painted signs now also featured hand-painted URLs advertising their homes on the world wide web. I couldn’t help but smile and shake my head at the quaintness of it. URLs on hand-painted signs for shops that serve the local community. Why? Because ‘why not?’ I guess. Read More »

  3. How to Treat a Lady: Give Her the Gold

    It’s been a wonderful two weeks of athletic feats! Like, forget-that-you-should-be-working-and-not-streaming-the-olympics-at-your-desk-cheering kind of wonderful. As regular folk, it’s always inspiring to see what the human body is capable of. And you know what!? There’s a little bit of Olympian in all of us. Read More »

  4. How to Treat a Lady thumbs down

    That old adage about having the same interests as your lady of interest could not be truer than on the hallowed pages of THE social network. Facebook likes are pretty much the same thing as your real life activities/preferences/dreams/affinities.

    So how do you do it? Your liking of her likes. As “like” experts and Facebook referees, we’ve seen some interesting patterns. Read on to find out what you’re saying about yourself with every little digital thumbs-up.

    • The following is a transcript of your thoughts. Verbatim. “Oh, what’s that? She had an apple today? LIKE. You know what? I do like that picture of you and your mom in front of the Mall of America. LIKE. Why look at that? Her friend said exactly what I wanted to say about her. LIKE. Oh, I didn’t know she was into pizza. I LIKE pizza!!! She likes breathing air?!?! I LIKE BREATHING AIR!!!” Maybe you’re a little too generous with your likes. Or maybe you think Facebook is a game of Wack-a-Mole because you like everything that appears in your field of vision. Or maybe you are: Boring Read More »
  5. How to Treat a Lady

    One of the hardest things about dating, aside from making time for someone else, being responsible for that person’s feeling, and sharing your life with them, is answering the question, “WHAT ARE WE?!??!”

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  6. foxnewsmagazineheader

    Does your woman get jealous when she sees you reading a news website? Does her tiny lady brain find the layout of most news sites too confusing? Well, Fox News has the solution!

    Fox News Magazine is a new kind of news magazine, custom-tailored to the habits and interests of a woman. With a layout inspired by Pinterest, her delicate mind won’t have any trouble navigating features like Brooklyn Decker’s Beach Secrets, 8 Steps to Really Clean Windows, How to Keep Mealybugs out of your Flour, and other articles relevant to her unique lifestyle as a housekeeper and a wife.

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  7. httal-reading

    Remember when you showed up on the doorstep of the woman you had a crush on and recited a moving piece of poetry to her and she fell in love with you. No? You’ve never done that? You should probably do that.

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  8. birthdaysex

    Today is my birthday. In honor of that, I’ve decided to make you all very uncomfortable.

    If you were born in July, that means you were most likely conceived in October. And that means it’s entirely plausible that there’s something about preparing for Halloween that got your parents in the mood for making babies.

    The following is an exploration of the circumstances that might have lead to your conception, assuming the usual 9 month gestation period. Sorry premies. You don’t get to play.

    Born in July: Conceived in October

    Don’t let your beginning-of-summer celebration fool you into thinking you’re a child of the sun. With all the masks, costumes, and jangling chains, who can blame your mom and dad for getting excited?

    Born in August: Conceived in November

    Those puritanical parents of yours were SO THANKFUL for each other that they decided to show their gratitude with an extra side of stuffing! Maybe it was the reminder of how much they dislike their in-laws that brought them closer together. Either way, you’ll never look at a turkey the same again.

    Born in September: Conceived in December

    Have you ever noticed how your mom and dad seem to get extra handsy with each other each Holiday season? It’s might have something to do with the cold weather, or it might be the fact that your mom likes to be watched by old men who creep in through the chimney.

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  9. The way some people present themselves when looking for a partner is just awesome. The things they’ll say and do on their OK Cupid profiles leave no question as to why they’re single and looking for love. OK Cupid Enemies features some of the best experiments in self-awareness the dating site has to offer.

  10. Reddit is a massive platform for many fragmentary communities. Sometimes altruistic, sometimes annoyingly-rapey, every now and then there are gems like this one in /r/AskMen that can change your mind about the site all together.

    I like to catch snakes. I make a mean chili. I’m dominant in the bedroom. But I also do character voices for fun, and one is called “Mrs. Billowsails” who sounds a bit like Julia Child. Another character I do is “Buzz Killington”.

    And sometimes when my gf has something I want, usually food or drink, I might say in a higher voice “Ooooh! Gimme gimme gimme!” as I reach out, opening and closing my hands like a 4 year old.


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