Modern Primate

man, that's deep

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Et Cetera

  1. Taken

    It’s once again time for me to eat a metric ton of riboflavin, do 35 jumping jacks, and make up a song called “I’m a Tugboat, Call Me Mel,” and travel into the land of the not-real to have another interview with a fictional character. Today, I’ve decided to pretend I’m talking to Bryan Mills, the ex-CIA agent father in the Taken films. I caught up with Mr. Mills at a café in Brussels, where he’s been assigned to protect the Czarina of Tokyo. The events occur in real time. Read More »

  2. hercules title

    In 1982, Arnold Schwarzenegger hit the big screen in a pec-flexing way with the incredibly silly Conan the Barbarian. A year later, his Pumping Iron counterpart, Lou Ferrigno, made it to cinemas as another legendary strongman; in fact, it was perhaps the most famous strongman in historical fiction: Hercules. And while Ferrigno certainly had the physique – the veiny, lumpy physique – to play the Greek god, he didn’t have much else, certainly not from the production around him. Produced by Cannon Films honchos, Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus, and written and directed by Lewis Coates (nee Luigi Cozzi), the man behind our favorite piece of garbage, Starcrash, Hercules combined two of the filmmakers favorite genres: sword-and-sandal adventures and science fiction. Put ‘em both together and you get a huge pile of insanity in a bowlful of weirdness. Put it this way: it makes Conan look realistic and logical.

    Read More »

  3. Kyle Anderson takes a look inside the terrible Chuck Norris flick Silent Rage in this week’s Awesomely Bad Movies.

  4. nerds

    I think it’s patently obvious to most, but I would consider myself a pretty huge nerd. Currently on my desk are knickknacks devoted to Doctor Who, Futurama, and Mystery Science Theater 3000. The amount of time I spend watching sci-fi movies pre-1980 is pretty staggering. I also have more graphic novels on my book shelf than regular novels, and that’s saying quite a bit. The point is, that I’m a nerd (or geek, or whatever you’d like to call it) and basically all through school it was evident to people who called me one, usually in the derogatory. I never had to prove how nerdy I was, nor did anyone. This is why it’s so increasingly ridiculous, now that “nerds” are more socially acceptable, that the term “geek cred” even exists. One’s entry into the “club” (another insane idea) should not be contingent on whether you like X, Y, and Z. What if I like X and Z, but Y is not my favorite? Am I shunned? Read More »

  5. nonspecific fun

    Sometimes I like to browse stock photos of people having fun — the more non-specific the better. I imagine what it must be like to be able to have such a good time simply by being around other people yet not really doing anything in particular. I wonder if maybe there’s something wrong with me for not being able to recognize the social cue that dictates when to give a friend a piggy back ride. I wonder what sort of people all decide to dress in beige at the same time. I wonder what sort of activity would require a group of people not dressed in any noticeable athletic garb to form a huddle.

    Who are these people having so much non-specific fun and why can’t I join them?

    Read More »

  6. Troll poster

    For years, Troll 2 has been the high (or low) watermark for terrible, awful, inept, and overall shittiness in movies. Being who I am, I sought it out and watched with a mix of awe and revulsion. It’s putrid for sure, but I became increasingly interested to see the film that caused this unrelated sequel to get its name. I finally hunkered down to watch the original Troll from 1986 to see how it compared to what many consider the worst movie ever made… You guys. I didn’t think it was possible, but Troll might actually, somehow, be WORSE than Troll 2.  The latter at least has the excuse of having a cast of nobodies ranging from talentless and inexperienced to certifiably insane; there are actual known people in Troll and it has at least a passably large budget. It is both terrifying and insipid. Boy howdy. Read More »

  7. Bond Craig

    Friday, finally, sees the wide US release of Skyfall, the 23rd James Bond film and the 50th anniversary of the series. The new title song by Adele is actually very good, in comparison to some of the more recent Bond themes. Part of the reason it’s great, aside from Adele’s amazing voice, is that the lyrics don’t try to do too much. It’s basically about standing tall together, with the usual references to Bond’s name and number being basically all he has. It’s a good little tune. This is not the case for a fair amount of the Bond themes over the 50 years which, despite being largely very catchy, are complete nonsense in the lyrics department. Read More »

  8. dog park baby dangle

    Since adopting our 5 month-old rescue puppy Nathan, Chris and I have spent a great deal of time at the local dog parks. Over the months we have met a number of interesting characters, most of whom fall into 10 basic categories.

    Read More »

  9. FANATICAL FANDOM

    A curious new fandom is sweeping the country. You may not have noticed, but once you know what to look for, they’re easy to spot. In every state in the nation, countless young people are getting together in groups to collect rubbish thrown from moving automobiles. Amassing collections is nothing new, but these collections fetishize refuse. It’s called Discardianism.

    Read More »

  10. mad blur

    Once upon a time people bought magazines even when they weren’t going to be on a plane. Most magazines took themselves very seriously, and in effect, most of them sucked. Recognizing an open niche, William Gaines set out to create a new kind of magazine — one that didn’t suck.

    In honor of one of the greatest voices in satirical publishing, here are our 10 favorite spoof ads from Mad Magazine in the late 50s and early 60s.

    Read More »

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