Modern Primate

man, that's deep

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  1. bf guide to pinterest header

    Pinterest has grown quickly to become the 3rd largest social network on the web, and has a user base that’s over 80% women. So what does this mean for men, and for that matter, for women?
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  2. bruce cone header

    Geoffrey, have you ever stopped to wonder what would happen if all of the world’s ice cream suddenly became Bruce Willis?

    - No. Why would I ever wonder something like that?

    Because, like, what if it did?

    - That’s stupid.

    But like, what if it did?

    Read More »

  3. taco lock

    Did you know that there’s a store online where you can buy a …

    DORITOSLOCOS taco MASTER LOCKED shut (Key Sold Separately) Highly Significant (Consider The Consequences of Tardiness)

    Or how about a …

    GOLD HOOP earring and smiling free-range Salami (pro-meat choice fashion accessory for Visual Competitors) Great Conversation Starter

    Or what about a …

    Romantic Marshmellow Rose for Dad or Lover (RARE)

    Read More »

  4. world bacon crisis

    The Great Bacon Crisis of 2013, as its beginning to be known, is the worldwide shortage of pork products expected to strike next year. According to some industry trade groups like Britain’s National Pig Association, droughts in the US and Russia have left the planet without enough corn and soybeans to replenish the number of pigs at the same growth level as previous years.

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  5. Last Monday was National TV Dinner Day. The week before that there was National Bacon Day. That was particularly exciting because our Butt Bacon myth picked up steam again. But of all of the foods deserving of their own day, there doesn’t seem to be any concensus about when to celebrate the pickled egg.

    At first I was like you, skeptical of why anyone would ever want to eat such a thing. But after the first bite I was hooked. There are already a lot of great pickled egg recipe videos on Youtube – from DeepFriedKing’s re-used Clausin brine recipe, to Rudomundo’s re-used Mt. Olive brine recipe, all the way up to more complicated recipes like MegaDiddly’s masterpiece “My World Famous Pickled Eggs.”

    Seriously. Just searching “pickled eggs” on Youtube is a dangerous, productivity-killing rabbit-hole. I mean, just now I discovered this gem:

    This is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. The image that BigHouseDaddy conjures up of Easter coming to an end with his father taking away the eggs and pickling them… it’s… It’s just the greatest thing ever to be put to words. You know what? Watch my video if you want. BigHouseDaddy’s video is the real star of this post.

  6. vegetables

    Have you heard? A new study out of Stanford has concluded that organic food doesn’t contain any additional nutrients compared to regular ol’ chemically grown food, so you and your hippy liberal friends should stick that in your gay granola pipes and smoke it! It’s all a scam to make you pay more for nothing!

    Everyone from the BBC to NPR to Jezebel is reporting about how the organic food industry is nothing more than a scam devised to separate gullible hairy vegans from their hard-earned money. See, aside from not containing any unnatural pesticides or fertilizers, there’s no difference between organic and “regular” food.

    Except that that’s exactly the reason why people choose organic food. No one thought organic food was a magic cure for cancer. The whole reason people eat organic food is to avoid pesticides. So yeah… there’s really no news to report here other than wide-reporting of a non-story.

  7. eating angrily

    Some people tend to assume that eating a gluten free diet is a thing that picky people do in order to have another thing to be obnoxious about. These people that get annoyed with others’ eating habits seem to think that eating gluten free is another fad diet like Atkins or the Super Cleanse. For whatever reason, eating a gluten free diet has become fashionable, and as such, there’s a backlash against it.

    The old joke “how can you tell if a person is a vegan? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you” has been modified lately to include “gluten free.”

    Do you know why I’ll tell you that I need to eat gluten free? Because I don’t want to get diarrhea and break out in hives. I hate eating gluten free, but it’s something I have to do. I don’t eat gluten free to try to lose weight. I eat gluten free so that I can actually digest my food rather than passing it through only partially digested.

    At 26 years of age I was 6’4″ and only 135 pounds and couldn’t figure out why I could eat as much fatty food as I wanted but couldn’t seem to keep any weight on. Before you start saying, “oh I wish I had that problem” just stop. Being gaunt is not fun. Being unable to gain muscle mass is not fun. Being malnourished despite eating full meals is not fun. Chronic fatigue is not fun. After seeing a doctor, I found out that my body wasn’t actually absorbing the nutrients from most of the food I was eating and that was because I was constantly eating food I was allergic to. The structures in my intestines responsible for breaking down certain nutrients were basically toasted. Read More »

  8. Screen Shot 2012-08-09 at 8.44.45 AM

    I was cooking myself some bacon at my girlfriend’s parents’ place, when their dog Rowdi noticed. While the bacon was cooking she put on her biggest smile and danced around. But after a minute of going without… well… you’ll see. Read More »

  9. httal-oreo

    Women take snacking very, very seriously.  Before we put anything in our mouths, we always ask, “Does this align with our values? Our family values?” (Reminder: all women are mothers.) Well, that answer was a strong, “NO!” when we came across this little gem from the Nabisco family… pfff family. No family company would ever make something like this:

    You guys, it’s a rainbow Oreo cookie! Are you freaked out yet? Why aren’t you freaked out yet?! Don’t you know what this means? Rainbow = Gay. Gay = Rainbow. Rainbow Oreo = Gay Oreo. Gay Oreo = Gay Snacking. You are what you eat. You eat that Oreo and you’re going to become a gay. *slaps cookie out of hand* Don’t eat that! That’s how they get you! Phew. Okay, listen, if you want to keep you, your lady and your children safe: Never taste the rainbow. 

    Luckily, this was just a temporary photoshopped stunt, so Oreos are safe for consumption again… but what about the foods that are always rainbowed?

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  10. DQ SOON

    New Yorkers tend to think pretty highly of their fair city. “If it exists, you can find it in New York,” they say. But if you’ve grown up anywhere else and eventually found yourself transplanted to NYC, you’ll know this amounts to little more than a load of self-congratulatory bullshit. I mean, there’s definitely a wide variety of options, but there just as many things overlooked. West coast favorites like In-N-Out Burger get no love from the Empire State.

    And while nearly every single “flyover state” gets to enjoy culinary wonders like the not-at-all Mexican Potato Olé from Taco John’s, the not-at-all Norwegian Vicky’s Norwegian Dills from Gedney, and the Nerds Blizzard from Dairy Queen, New Yorkers are stuck with Taco Bell, some spiceless garbage barrel pickles that range only from sour to extra sour, and the completely overrated il laboratorio del gelato.

    Well, that last point is finally, FINALLY being rectified, as Dairy Queen has announced that they’ll soon be opening three or four new locations in New York this coming year.

    Read More »

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