Modern Primate

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Geoffrey the Social Media Cat

  1. "Yeah, yeah that Gaza thing but what's this about no more Ding Dongs?" - Americans
    Danny Zuker

    - Hey, Boss. Are we gonna do anything else on the Twinkie beat? The Internet is blowing up with people talking about Hostess going under.

    So I’ve noticed, Geoffrey. People are having so much fun talking about how much they’re going to miss Twinkies that they seem to be completely unaware that they’re rehashing the same jokes from when the company nearly crumbled last summer, or like it did back in 2009. In fact, their love of saying “OMG HOW AM I GONNA EAT TWINKIES OMG ZOMBIELAND ZOMG TWINKIES” is drowning out any legitimate concerns for the thousands of employees who’ve lost their jobs because the company’s top executives gave themselves such fat pay raises. The loss of the Twinkie isn’t the real tragedy here. Fuck. Little Debbie still makes Cloud Cakes which are the same damn thing. The tragedy is that Hostess is blaming their employees for their own greediness and throwing them under the bus.

    - That would make a great visual! The Hostess CEO throwing the line-workers under a big Twinkie-shaped bus.

    But the Twinkie can’t be the bus in this metaphor. The Twinkies have been thrown under the bus along with the employees.

    - So how about that whole Israel/Palestine conflict? Have any ideas on how to cover that?

    *sigh* So, you were thinking something like this?

    - Well, it’s not your best work, but if it means we don’t have to weigh in on Gaza, then I guess it’ll do.

  2. Hi, Geoffrey.

    - Uh, hey… sir. How’s it going?

    You want to know the worst part about being a former smoker, Geoffrey?

    - Not really, no.

    It’s the fact that no matter where you go in this filth-covered city there’s somebody blowing smoke in your direction. You can’t get away from it. You can’t walk down the street without getting stuck behind a smoker. So there’s this constant reminder of cigarettes. Meanwhile, my former smoker self still exists in muscle memory somewhere, like a phantom hiding between my muscle fibers, twitching as he waits for a chance to seize control. All I can do is feel the muscles in my torso tense, my nostrils flare, my breathing become forced, and I murder the smoker in my mind.

    - You’re kind of weird, you know that?

  3. Oh my God, Geoffrey.

    - What is it, sir?

    My lunch, Geoffrey. It. Is. So. Damn. Good.

    - Oh, you visited the Halal cart down the street, eh?

    Mmm. Mmmhmmm. First halal cart meal I’ve had in ages. I can’t believe I forgot how good this is. You know, I used to eat a halal cart gyro almost every other day when I first moved to New York.

    - That’s cool. Maybe you could do a Photoshop post of what it would look like if all the lamb over rice turned into Miley Cyrus.

    Why would I do that? Read More »

  4. bruce cone header

    Geoffrey, have you ever stopped to wonder what would happen if all of the world’s ice cream suddenly became Bruce Willis?

    - No. Why would I ever wonder something like that?

    Because, like, what if it did?

    - That’s stupid.

    But like, what if it did?

    Read More »

  5. Hey Geoffrey, did you hear the one about the dentist in Indonesia who modified his drill to play mp3s?

    - Yikes. Why would you do that?

    Apparently he wanted to make the experience more bearable. Like, I guess the rationale was that the music would be a novel distraction.

    - Instead, I bet his patients will have phantom tooth pains every time they hear a certain song.

    Mmhmm. And have you seen this list of weird animal penises on The Week?

    - Now that’s really great. You’ve gotta give them credit for not fucking around with the blatant click-bait.

    No doubt. And it’s actually really good. Instead of just being a grotesque photo gallery, it’s all descriptive text. So it’s Safe For Work, and then if one is so inclined you can Google whatever you want to see, like these four-headed echidna penises.

    - Holy mother of God. And I thought I had a weird penis.

    Read More »

  6. gangnam snl

    Geoffrey, can you come in here for a minute?

    - Yes.

    Geoffrey, I’ve got this problem. It’s about Gangnam Style.

    - Gangnam Style is huge! Don’t tell me you’ve got a problem with Gangnam Style.

    Well… I mean, it’s well-produced. And I get that it’s supposed to be humorous. But like, I don’t know anything about the Gangnam District. I’ve never been to South Korea. I don’t speak Korean. So when I watch the video, like, I feel like I’m missing most of what’s going on.

    - Why should that matter? Did you see the SNL sketch? Read More »

  7. - Dear God, what is that?

    Geoffrey! Glad you could make it! Say hello to Nathan!

    - Nathan? You named a dog Nathan?

    Nathan’s not just any dog. He’s the best dog in the world. Isn’t that right? Who’s my good boy?

    - Should I come back?

    No no. He’s not going to be less in need of attention for probably a few months, as far as I know. He’s still just a baby.

    - He’s bigger than I am!

    Well, you’re a cat and he’s a pitbull. Anyway!

    - Anyway. What do you think of this Mitt Romney noise?

    Oh, yeah, that. A couple friends of mine had it out on Facebook about that. I tried to follow while trying to keep Nathan from devouring the lamp, the ottomans, my computer cables, the carpet… I mean, I know that dogs like to chew on things in general but he’s teething so he wants to chew on everything!

    Read More »

  8. - Hey boss.


    - You’re still in the tub?

    Uh huh.

    - Wanna talk about the 9/11 conspiracy theories people are Tweeting about?


    - Wanna talk about the models spotted wearing Google Goggles and whether or not that will help people get used to being seen wearing the awkward device?


    - Wanna talk about the Impossible Projects instant film camera that works like an old Polaroid strapped onto an iPhone?


    - Wanna talk about this video that claims to provide the original context of a bunch of well known memes, while actually providing nothing about the circumstances under which those memes came to acquire meaning?

    God no.

    - Wanna talk about Chris Brown getting Rihanna’s battered face tattooed onto his neck?

    What, what?  Read More »

  9. - Hey boss, you in here?

    Go away, Geoffrey.

    - We’ve gotta talk about some things though. There’s news happening and

    Can’t you see I’m in the tub, Geoffrey?

    - Yes, but there’s a ton of news we could be talking about. The President’s nomination acceptance speech, Amy Poehler and Will Arnett’s breakup, the VMA’s…

    I’d rather not talk about any of that, Geoffrey.

    - But see, Rihanna and Chris Brown

    I know, Geoffrey. I found out about it this morning, and I was writing up this thing commending a certain website about not sinking to the exploitative level of everyone else, but then they went and published their own post about it anyway, and so now I’m sitting in the tub. I just can’t do it, Geoffrey. Read More »

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