Modern Primate

man, that's deep

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  1. On Saturday I got my hair cut for the first time in over a year. Yes, I go to a salon. My hair is long and luxurious.

    Stylist: So have you seen that they’re remaking Total Recall?

    Me: Yeah, but I’m not sure if I want to see it. I’m sure the new one will have great special effects but there’s just something about the way that the 80s viewed the future that was sort of timeless. The post-inevitable-nuclear-war vision where everything is sort of grimey and people are all deformed. I sort of love that.

    Stylist: Yeah, I know what you mean. But I still think it’ll be good to see an updated version. It’s funny though, my step-son has no idea that it’s a remake.

    Me: Oh, of course not. I’m just kind of tired of all these reboots. Like, what’s wrong with just making new shit? Read More »

  2. A lot has been said about the pussification of today’s generation of men and I think I’ve pin-pointed the beginning of the end. It all started in 1974, with this ad for Roman Brio aftershave.

    Notice how the man in the ad admits that he’s willing to try playing backgammon. Granted, he knew well enough to distance himself from the limp-wristed backgammon by assuring the reader that he’s a poker player at heart. With its emphasis on reading body language, emotional cues, and other nonverbal communications, poker is truly an exercise in manliness. But tell your poker buddies you’re playing backgammon and they might think you’ve gone soft.

    Read More »

  3. guy-styles-banner

    Your hair is like the nonverbal business card for your face. It communicates your values to the world in a subtle way that clothing, scent, and handshaking techniques can’t.

    Talking to your barber can be a pain. Luckily, there’s a Tumblr dedicated to showcasing all of the classics in men’s hairstyle catalogs, from the Electric Thunder, to the Salty Poem, and beyond!

    For these looks and more, check out Guy Styles on Tumblr!

  4. Reddit is a massive platform for many fragmentary communities. Sometimes altruistic, sometimes annoyingly-rapey, every now and then there are gems like this one in /r/AskMen that can change your mind about the site all together.

    I like to catch snakes. I make a mean chili. I’m dominant in the bedroom. But I also do character voices for fun, and one is called “Mrs. Billowsails” who sounds a bit like Julia Child. Another character I do is “Buzz Killington”.

    And sometimes when my gf has something I want, usually food or drink, I might say in a higher voice “Ooooh! Gimme gimme gimme!” as I reach out, opening and closing my hands like a 4 year old.


    Read More »

  5. razornew

     When I have a beard, I look like a psychotic hobo. When I am clean-shaven, I look like a orphaned Irish waif who is dying of consumption. There is only one way to resolve this issue. You guessed it: stubble. When I have stubble, I have that highly magnetic “sexisticness” that young women so desire and crave. But there is only one way to achieve permanent stubble: you guessed it, an electric razor.

    So I recently bought a new one. The Phillips Norelco Vacuum Stubble and Bread Trimmer Pro, with Lithium Ion Quick Charge Battery, and Integrated Vacuum System. According to the highly and suspiciously over-dramatic cartoon on the front of the box, the Integrated Vacuum System will suck all my stray hair shavings into a secret chamber inside the razor itself, with all the power and efficiency of a Death Star tractor beam. Yeah; right — if the Integrated Vacuum System was actually as powerful as the dramatic swooshing lines on the box indicate, I’d be dead by now, half my chin and face swallowed into the secret chamber. They’d find me like that, a desperate note scrawled out with pen and paper: “INTEGRATED VACUUM SYSTEM, FAR TOO POWERFUL, GOD, NO — WHOEVER FINDS THIS NOTE AND MY BODY, GIVE THIS PRODUCT ZERO OUT OF FIVE STARS ON YELP.COM, GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD.”

    Anyway, whatever, the f-cking razor was on sale at T.J. Maxx, so it only cost twenty-five bucks. The only other notable feature of my new razor is that it has a Turbo Button, or as the Phillips Corporation puts it, “Turbo Power Boost Button, boosts [sic] cutting and fan speed.” The button has a cool symbol that looks unlike any of the symbols I can type on this blogging system; for instance, it does not look like this: §. But it doesn’t look like any of the other symbols that I have available either. The symbol either looks like an angry whirlpool, or some aspect of radioactive glowingness, I can’t decide. Read More »

  6. greatest tv mustaches

    No type of facial hair is more controversial than the mustache, or moustache depending on how awesome you are. Throughout the years, mustaches have conveyed everything from porn star, to child molester, to police officer, to lumberjack. Can a strip of hair on a guy’s lip really be both feared and trusted? Of course it can! Television has supplied us with hundreds of epic mustachios over the years, but 11 stand head and shoulders above the rest. Here are: THE 11 GREATEST MUSTACHES IN TV HISTORY!

    Read More »

  7. beards

    Everybody knows that having a beard takes a lot more work than simply not shaving for a week (or two days, depending on how follicular you are). It’s a thing that needs to be groomed and cultivated in order to make it work. Look, some guys can’t even grow a beard so if you don’t take care of yours, it’s squandering a gift, like not putting things on a high shelf if you’re tall. You owe it to yourself to have a nice looking beard and here are just a few ways to do it.

    Read More »

  8. barbershop

    There is no place in the entire world where “guy talk” becomes more mandatory than when getting your haircut. When work conversations turn heteronormative, misogynistic, or bro-ish, you can pretty easily duck away from the water cooler. But when you’re getting your hair cut, you’re physically unable to move. And you have to do it at least once a month for the rest of your life. Sure, it’s not a period, but what an awful thing to have in your life.

    My biggest problem with barber shops is that they always want to talk about girls. I’m extremely out; the CEO of my company follows me on Tumblr and I’ll reblog naked dudes without even thinking about it. But I can’t come out to my barber, ever, because your relationship with your barber never gets deep enough for that to not be TMI.

    Read More »

  9. noscrubs

    The body image issues that women face is a well-trodden subject. One that I am neither qualified nor interested in talking about.

    But the body image issues that men deal with is something I think about a lot but rarely hear discussed. Male body image issues is a complicated subject and I think the best way to explain it would be to describe my personal experiences.

    Read More »

  10. wipes for men

    There’s no such thing as a Masculine Hygiene aisle in the drug store. Women have the benefit of talking about hygiene with one another, but men have no such expectation of understanding. As a result, there are countless men walking around with skid marks in their underwear, leading their significant others to wonder “why can’t he wipe his own ass?”

    Read More »

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