Modern Primate

man, that's deep

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  1. nonspecific fun

    Sometimes I like to browse stock photos of people having fun — the more non-specific the better. I imagine what it must be like to be able to have such a good time simply by being around other people yet not really doing anything in particular. I wonder if maybe there’s something wrong with me for not being able to recognize the social cue that dictates when to give a friend a piggy back ride. I wonder what sort of people all decide to dress in beige at the same time. I wonder what sort of activity would require a group of people not dressed in any noticeable athletic garb to form a huddle.

    Who are these people having so much non-specific fun and why can’t I join them?

    Read More »

  2. Is it just me, or does everything nowadays kind of suck? I’m not entirely certain, but I think what I’m feeling has to do with turning 30.

    I spent most of the first 13 years of my life in the same small town in South Dakota. It was the kind of town where everybody knew everybody, and everybody knew — or at least thought they knew — what everybody else was up to. Gossipping about your neighbors’ infidelities was practically the unofficial pass-time. There’s a certain degree of smalltalk about sports and world politics, but those conversations generally never went too far because anything outside of the town’s borders might as well have been happening on Mars for how far removed it all was. Getting out of there was the best thing that ever happened to me.

    A couple years ago I went back for my first visit in about another 10 years. A few businesses had changed, but there weren’t many businesses there in the first place. The only change that really stood out was how most of the stores’ hand-painted signs now also featured hand-painted URLs advertising their homes on the world wide web. I couldn’t help but smile and shake my head at the quaintness of it. URLs on hand-painted signs for shops that serve the local community. Why? Because ‘why not?’ I guess. Read More »

  3. Contrary to popular opinion, eating more egg yolks might be good for your heart health. [the atlantic]

    According to another study, energy drinks like Red Bull and Crunk might be good for your heart too! [geekosystem]

    Up top: A collection of vintage ads reminds us of the good old days when smoking was good for you. [thecuriousbrain]

  4. eating angrily

    Some people tend to assume that eating a gluten free diet is a thing that picky people do in order to have another thing to be obnoxious about. These people that get annoyed with others’ eating habits seem to think that eating gluten free is another fad diet like Atkins or the Super Cleanse. For whatever reason, eating a gluten free diet has become fashionable, and as such, there’s a backlash against it.

    The old joke “how can you tell if a person is a vegan? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you” has been modified lately to include “gluten free.”

    Do you know why I’ll tell you that I need to eat gluten free? Because I don’t want to get diarrhea and break out in hives. I hate eating gluten free, but it’s something I have to do. I don’t eat gluten free to try to lose weight. I eat gluten free so that I can actually digest my food rather than passing it through only partially digested.

    At 26 years of age I was 6’4″ and only 135 pounds and couldn’t figure out why I could eat as much fatty food as I wanted but couldn’t seem to keep any weight on. Before you start saying, “oh I wish I had that problem” just stop. Being gaunt is not fun. Being unable to gain muscle mass is not fun. Being malnourished despite eating full meals is not fun. Chronic fatigue is not fun. After seeing a doctor, I found out that my body wasn’t actually absorbing the nutrients from most of the food I was eating and that was because I was constantly eating food I was allergic to. The structures in my intestines responsible for breaking down certain nutrients were basically toasted. Read More »

  5. tweekly_600x200

    You know what’s better than sifting through Twitter looking for funny and interesting tweets yourself? Letting Randy and Jason Sklar do it for you.

    I’m serious. The Sklar Brothers’s new web series The Tweekly News has become a staple in my week for two more reasons: I loved them when they were the pit reporters on Battlebots. And since I’m currently four months smoke-free, I like to imagine that they’re part of my own personal nicotine cessation support group. Because, they practically are.

    Read More »

  6. The last time we went outside, we couldn’t get up the nerve to get out of the car. Well, we finally worked up our nerve to go for a walk in the woods and came upon this river that was like, all inspirational and shit.

    If we were slightly more ambitious we’d put together a Kickstarter asking for people in your community to share in continuing this whimsical conversation by giving us money. We’d also like to go to the Grand Canyon, and like, China and shit.

  7. BUTTS
    DISCLAIMER: Although we’re thoroughly entertained by this campaign, Modern Primate has no existing agreement with Cottonelle, their parent company Kimberly Clark, or the ad agency behind the Cottonelle Routine.

    Earlier this year I wrote a post about how smelling like a dirty butthole doesn’t make you more of a man, the dangers of Nairing your crack, and why adding moist wipes to your routine is the way to go.

    Well, recently I’ve started seeing this Cottonelle ad in which a mother, father, and daughter all talk about the nicknames they’ve come up with for wiping with both moist wipes and toilet paper, capped off with the now ubiquitous social media tie in: a call-to-action direction asking viewers to #NameIt on Facebook.

    Read More »

  8. How to Treat a Lady: Summer Heatwave

    MAN, the weather right?! The heat is so hot. And the hot is so heat. And the sun is just right there in your face. And perspiration, huh? Who knew summer could be so unpredictably heaty?? Read More »

  9. magic mike header

    This probably sounds so obvious that it should go without saying, but if you’re a straight guy, you probably shouldn’t go see Magic Mike in the theater.

    Whitney had been excited to see the movie for weeks, and although I didn’t exactly share her sentiment, I agreed to go with her. I wasn’t quite ready to admit the reasons that I didn’t want to see the movie, and I knew that any other reason would make me seem homophobic.

    Sitting through Magic Mike was an extremely uncomfortable experience for me. It wasn’t because of the scene where Matthew McConaughey gyrated behind Alex Pettyfer as he taught him how to dance. It wasn’t because of the scene where Joe Manganiello pumped up his blurry penis before going onstage. It wasn’t because of any of the homoerotic themes of the movie which, in my opinion wasn’t nearly gay enough for something hyped as The Greatest Gay Movie Ever Made – I mean, I don’t recall a single openly gay character in the movie.

    No, what made me uncomfortable was the audience of middle-aged women shouting catcalls at the screen the entire time. It felt to me like the subtext was a simple “women get objectified on screen all the time, now it’s our turn, ladies!”

    As Melissa from Power Animals put it so gleefully…

    I could say that while I feel bad that we are entering a time when young men are having just as many body issues as females because of the increasingly unrealistic body images out there for both genders, I feel it is the only way men can understand the pressure that the male gaze in media puts on women and thus help us all work towards mutual change.  I could say a lot of things about the objectification of women and men and what it means for all of us but what I’m going to really go ahead and say is this: ABS! CHESTS! GYRATIONS! DANCING! CHANNING TATUM’S AWFUL ACTING: WHO CARES! ALCIDE!!!!!!!

    As the women in the audience hooted and hollered, I felt my sympathy for any woman who ever complained about objectification shrink.

    Read More »

  10. httal-oreo

    Women take snacking very, very seriously.  Before we put anything in our mouths, we always ask, “Does this align with our values? Our family values?” (Reminder: all women are mothers.) Well, that answer was a strong, “NO!” when we came across this little gem from the Nabisco family… pfff family. No family company would ever make something like this:

    You guys, it’s a rainbow Oreo cookie! Are you freaked out yet? Why aren’t you freaked out yet?! Don’t you know what this means? Rainbow = Gay. Gay = Rainbow. Rainbow Oreo = Gay Oreo. Gay Oreo = Gay Snacking. You are what you eat. You eat that Oreo and you’re going to become a gay. *slaps cookie out of hand* Don’t eat that! That’s how they get you! Phew. Okay, listen, if you want to keep you, your lady and your children safe: Never taste the rainbow. 

    Luckily, this was just a temporary photoshopped stunt, so Oreos are safe for consumption again… but what about the foods that are always rainbowed?

    Read More »

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