Modern Primate

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  1. Is it just me, or does everything nowadays kind of suck? I’m not entirely certain, but I think what I’m feeling has to do with turning 30.

    I spent most of the first 13 years of my life in the same small town in South Dakota. It was the kind of town where everybody knew everybody, and everybody knew — or at least thought they knew — what everybody else was up to. Gossipping about your neighbors’ infidelities was practically the unofficial pass-time. There’s a certain degree of smalltalk about sports and world politics, but those conversations generally never went too far because anything outside of the town’s borders might as well have been happening on Mars for how far removed it all was. Getting out of there was the best thing that ever happened to me.

    A couple years ago I went back for my first visit in about another 10 years. A few businesses had changed, but there weren’t many businesses there in the first place. The only change that really stood out was how most of the stores’ hand-painted signs now also featured hand-painted URLs advertising their homes on the world wide web. I couldn’t help but smile and shake my head at the quaintness of it. URLs on hand-painted signs for shops that serve the local community. Why? Because ‘why not?’ I guess. Read More »

  2. nathan header

    After months of talking and planning, Whitney and I have adopted a puppy together. A beautiful little terrier / american pitbull / boxer mix named Nathan Scott Phillips-Menning, after Meatwad’s pet snake.

    He’s only three months old, and when they said he’s not “housebroken at all” they were not exaggerating. Now, I thought I was prepared for this. The little guy would get all distressed and let me know when he had to go to the bathroom, and I’d have to clean up a few accidents from time to time. Everyone says that dogs naturally don’t want to pee where they eat, sleep, and live. Not this guy, though. Currently, he loves peeing on the floor. It’s no accident. That’s just how he goes, and we have yet to teach him otherwise. What he seems to love more than that is trying to eat the pee-soaked paper towels. What a fun game! What he loves even more than that is trying to eat his housetraining pee pads.

    As I kind of expected but hadn’t yet fully understood, we really can’t let him leave our sight without him eating every non-food item in reach. Next week we start obedience training, and I think I have more to learn than he does.

    Read More »

  3. Part of being a full grown adult means keeping records. Lots and lots of records. The days of moving into whatever shit-hole would accept you are behind you and you discover that getting into a “nice” building means having to prove yourself. But after being under all that scrutiny, it’s nice to unwind with a margarita and tacos.

  4. internet
    B.J. Mendelson is a former marketer, former new media director for a nationally syndicated TV program, and author of the upcoming book Social Media is Bullshit, available in Barnes and Noble and on Amazon September 4th.

    I’ve been writing stupid things on the Internet since 1998, and in that time it’s rare for me to have a story I haven’t told anyone before. So, you’re in for a treat. I want to tell you about a beautiful woman named Ashley, the biggest disappointment in my life, and how a fantasy I have explains why the myth of social media persists long after its debut in 2007.

    In 2002, I took a year off from Alfred State College because my first year was … not a pleasant experience. Mostly for reasons I documented in Social Media Is Bullshit.

    Returning to Alfred State was not high on my list of things to do. At the time, I would have rather been anally penetrated by Wolverine’s adamantium claws, but then I met Ashley and all was right in the world.

    Ashley was absolutely beautiful, and I was in love with her the moment I saw her. Unfortunately, I spent most of my life being functionally retarded, so my attempts to get her to pay any attention to me were met with horrible and hilarious failure.

    (On the upside, I did get a sweet cat out of this mess, but that’s a whole other story.)

    For a brief moment though, a light appeared at the end of the tunnel. The last day of school had arrived, and after numerous attempts to get Ashley to hang out to me, Ashley called and left a message on my answering machine saying she wanted to do so.

    And for a few seconds, I felt amazing. Like I was proclaimed king of the world, having earned that crown after strangling Jack from Titanic with some razor wire I found in the street.

    But as it goes with anything in my life, as soon as something amazing happens, something even worse immediately follows. This happens almost like clockwork, so much so that I can safely predict that if my book hits The New York Times Best Sellers list, you can bet I’ll be dead the next day. Probably smothered in my own feces by a crazed social media marketer seeking revenge.

    Read More »

  5. How to Treat a Lady: Give Her the Gold

    It’s been a wonderful two weeks of athletic feats! Like, forget-that-you-should-be-working-and-not-streaming-the-olympics-at-your-desk-cheering kind of wonderful. As regular folk, it’s always inspiring to see what the human body is capable of. And you know what!? There’s a little bit of Olympian in all of us. Read More »

  6. kidstodaybtw

    A friend of mine, let’s call her Sheryl, has a son who’s 13-years-old. Let’s call him Mark. We try to include Mark in conversation as often as we can. At first I thought this was just for the sake of his self-esteem, but in no time at all I realized that Sheryl was raising a kid who was not only funny, but wise beyond his years. I mean, he’s still very much a 13-year-old; but every now and then Mark spits out one of these nuggets of wisdom that makes me realize that I could stand to learn a thing or two from “Kids Today.”

    So here, in what I hope is only the first installment of a series, I ask Mark what I thought were some basic questions, and get back some rock solid life advice.

    Read More »

  7. How to Treat a Lady thumbs down

    That old adage about having the same interests as your lady of interest could not be truer than on the hallowed pages of THE social network. Facebook likes are pretty much the same thing as your real life activities/preferences/dreams/affinities.

    So how do you do it? Your liking of her likes. As “like” experts and Facebook referees, we’ve seen some interesting patterns. Read on to find out what you’re saying about yourself with every little digital thumbs-up.

    • The following is a transcript of your thoughts. Verbatim. “Oh, what’s that? She had an apple today? LIKE. You know what? I do like that picture of you and your mom in front of the Mall of America. LIKE. Why look at that? Her friend said exactly what I wanted to say about her. LIKE. Oh, I didn’t know she was into pizza. I LIKE pizza!!! She likes breathing air?!?! I LIKE BREATHING AIR!!!” Maybe you’re a little too generous with your likes. Or maybe you think Facebook is a game of Wack-a-Mole because you like everything that appears in your field of vision. Or maybe you are: Boring Read More »
  8. Okay.

  9. how to treat a lady vintage batman comic

    She’s not going to want to go for the action or adventure because, hell, she’s a lady. You want a boy’s night out.

    That rough voice. That sculpted body. Those plastic pecs. She wants one thing:
    Read More »

  10. How to Treat a Lady

    One of the hardest things about dating, aside from making time for someone else, being responsible for that person’s feeling, and sharing your life with them, is answering the question, “WHAT ARE WE?!??!”

    Read More »

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