Modern Primate

When you’re a young celebrity, you can get away with murder. Do all the drugs on the planet and it’ll only make you more popular with both the press and the fans alike. As long as you look glamorous doing it, you can be sure to inspire your vacuous 16-year-old wannabe socialite fans to gab loudly on the train to anyone in earshot about how they can’t do Adderall tonight because they’re doing angel dust instead.

But before you know it, you’ve managed to stay alive long enough to avoid joining The 27 Club and the whole “hot mess” thing has begun to lose its charm. So what’s a “responsible” adult celebrity to do? Endorse LEGAL, potentially fatal, mind-altering substances, of course! It’s time to grow up and become a celebrity booze endorser.

This track from Harry Shearer’s latest album “Can’t Take a Hint” highlights exactly that kind of absurdity for “old” people like me who are equally as annoyed by the “cool mystique” of alcohol ads as we are by the annoying kids on the train that feel the need to talk really loudly about what drugs they’re doing tonight as though people will be impressed or something.

- Party pooper out. Get off my lawn.