Modern Primate

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- Yes?

You know what I’m about to say, Geoffrey.

- Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger?

Mmmhmm. Is there a joke in there that hasn’t already been made.

- No. No there is not.

How about this faceswap?

- Not a bad effort. But yeah, it’s been done.

It is sort of the immediate go-to joke when dealing with a photo of two people.

- Right. That’s the sort of bottom-of-the-barrel shit we ought to be shying away from.

How about if we call them Chavril?

- Are you listening to yourself? This is entirely predictable behavior. You’re only reaching the automatic conclusions that everyone else is.

Okay, so what if we imagine their wedding?

- Go on.

So every detestable douche is there. It’s a rouge’s gallery of awful. Dane Cook is the best man. Everyone is wearing Crocs.

- Why Crocs?

They’re universally reviled.

- I know. But isn’t that a bit of a stretch?

Oh, I was thinking of how some people do that thing where instead of wearing formal shoes the whole wedding party wears Chuck Taylors.

- That’s a thing?

That’s definitely a thing.

- Huh. I had no idea. That seems like exactly the kind of thing these two would do.

Yeah, so think of that, but like, with Crocs.

- I see what you’re trying to do with it, but I feel like putting the whole wedding party in Crocs requires an understanding of the whole “wedding party in Chucks” thing first, otherwise it’s just inexplicable. Maybe skip the Crocs and have them wearing Chucks. That’s kind of douchey as it is, right?

Eh. I mean… Yes it can be potentially obnoxious but I’ve known people who’ve had their wedding attendants wear Chucks and they weren’t douches.

- Are you sure they weren’t douches?

Yes. Also, this was 10 years ago.

- So you’re talking about a wedding between a couple of 19 year olds?


- Aaahhhh. Now it makes sense. You Midwesterners and your teenage weddings in Chuck Taylors… It’s cute.

Fuck off, Geoffrey. You are a cat. And you don’t even exist.

- Now I totally think that Avril and Chad should get married wearing Chucks. It couldn’t be more fitting.

But people don’t hate Chucks. People hate Crocs. But Chucks are a classic.

- People will hate people who wear Chucks for their wedding. It’s like, who do you think you are? Avril Lavigne? Trust me. Play it like this and people will hate Chucks.

But it’s not my goal to make people hate Chucks OR people who wear Chucks to their wedding!

- Okay. All right. Fine. Let’s skip the footwear issue. So we’ve got Dane Cook as best man. Who else is there?

Kevin Federline?

- Eh. Maybe if this was 2006. People have gotten tired of loving to hate him a while ago.

Ooh! The cast of The Big Bang Theory!

- No.

But people love to hate them!

- No, people love them. Nerds like you love to hate them.

There are a lot of nerds like me!

- Maybe in your own little filter bubble. But the reason the show is so successful isn’t because of people like you. It’s because of everyone else. And as your youth culture consultant and viral media strategist I advise you to side with The Big Bang Theory if you know what’s good for you.

I… I can’t even… Couldn’t you say the same thing about Dane Cook, though? I mean, we love to hate him, but that doesn’t mean he’s not selling out stadiums across the country.

- That may be true, but I think that people who love to hate on Nickelback, and who love faceswaps probably also love to hate on Dane Cook more than they love to hate on The Big Bang Theory. Put Dane Cook in the background. Use the one where he’s trying to look sexy.

Like this?

- Yeah, that’s pretty good. But now where are the Chucks?

I thought we weren’t doing the Chucks.

- Fine, where are the Crocs?

Their feet aren’t even visible in the photo! How do you expect me to add shoes to a photo that doesn’t include their feet?

- Maybe you should have thought of that when you were selecting the photo in the first place!

The shoe thing wasn’t part of the initial concept!

- Whatever! You’ve been spending enough time on this dumb Chavril thing. Nobody really cares that much about it anyway. Just add some Crocs and be done with it!

So, like this?

- Mmmhmm. I think that’s a winner.

Great. Thanks for your help.

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