Modern Primate

- Hey boss, you in here?

Go away, Geoffrey.

- We’ve gotta talk about some things though. There’s news happening and

Can’t you see I’m in the tub, Geoffrey?

- Yes, but there’s a ton of news we could be talking about. The President’s nomination acceptance speech, Amy Poehler and Will Arnett’s breakup, the VMA’s…

I’d rather not talk about any of that, Geoffrey.

- But see, Rihanna and Chris Brown

I know, Geoffrey. I found out about it this morning, and I was writing up this thing commending a certain website about not sinking to the exploitative level of everyone else, but then they went and published their own post about it anyway, and so now I’m sitting in the tub. I just can’t do it, Geoffrey.

- So… what do you want to talk about then?

You see these sandwiches, Geoffrey?

- Mmmhmm.

These sandwiches look delicious. I look at these photos, and my mouth waters. I want to eat every single one of them.

- But you can’t eat wheat without getting sick.

And that makes my sandwich fantasies all the more maddening. They’re forbidden. Here, The Village Voice purports to have found the 10 best sandwiches in all of Manhattan and Brooklyn combined, and they’ve got high color photos and vivid descriptions of each! They haunt me.

- This is it for you, huh? Soaking in a tub, fantasizing about sandwiches you can’t eat, meanwhile the world keeps going outside.

Yeah. That’s accurate.

- You don’t care about Amy Poehler and Will Arnett’s breakup?

Eh. I mean… sure that’s sad. But like, I don’t know them. I once walked past Amy Poehler on the street around the time UCB East opened, but that’s the only time I’ve seen her in person anywhere.

- I’m not asking if you know her. You know OF her from TV.

Of course. What’s your point?

- And how about Will Arnett?

I’ve never met Will Arnett.

- I’m not asking if you’ve MET Will Arnett! You know of him from the TV!

Of course I do!

- And you LIKE him!

So what if I like Will Arnett?!

- You like Will Arnett and you like Amy Poehler! You’ve watched many shows that both actors have had starring roles in, and you’ve enjoyed those shows. One might go so far as to say that you’re a fan of both Will Arnett and Amy Poehler’s work.

This is all true, Geoffrey, but I fail to see where you’re going with this.

- How on earth can you be such a big fan of theirs and not be incensed about their breakup?

Dude, I don’t know them. I don’t know anything about them as people. I don’t have a clue what they were like as a couple. I don’t have any idea what their issues were.

- And here’s where you could do some work. What if you were to look into what their problems were? You could dig up something, speculate about what it might be, get creative!

But I just don’t care enough. See, I’d only write about Amy Poehler and Will Arnett’s thing as a means to avoid having to talk about how Rihanna and Chris Brown. It runs the gambit from faux-concerned hand-wringing to abuse-shaming and I’d rather not take part in it. With that going on at the same time I can’t bring myself to care enough to write about Amy Poehler and Will Arnett’s surprisingly amicable and entirely civil separation. I want to eat some goddamn sandwiches, or at the very least, eat some salty rice dish while oggling some sandwich food porn and talking about it to my imaginary cat.

- You guys are getting a puppy soon, right?

Yeah. In like, a couple weeks at the most.

- Will you still talk to me when there’s a puppy in the house?

…

- Boss?

…

- Hey boss?