There’s no such thing as a Masculine Hygiene aisle in the drug store. Women have the benefit of talking about hygiene with one another, but men have no such expectation of understanding. As a result, there are countless men walking around with skid marks in their underwear, leading their significant others to wonder “why can’t he wipe his own ass?”
The thick mat of hair inside a man’s crack can become a germinating dingleberry patch even under the most fastidious of wiping efforts. Despite what you may have heard about real men being virile beasts that are supposed to stink, smelling like a dirty butt-hole doesn’t make you more of a man. So what’s a man to do?
Don’t Shave It
The days of metrosexual manscaping are behind us (for the most part) but plenty of men do some degree of body-hair grooming. You might be tempted to shave it baby smooth, but you should know what to expect about how this impacts the auditory effects of farting; what would normally pass as a muted trumpet will instead sound like a pair of walruses mating in a culvert. Your freshly shorn inner butt cheeks will act as an amplifier, making even the driest of wind-breaks sound swampy, not to mention the itch.
Don’t Nair It
Another alternative some men have tried with equally poor results is Nair, the liquid hair remover. An article entitled “One Wipe Wonder” from the defunct skateboarding magazine Big Brother recounts a firsthand ass-Nairing experience including the same fart-amplifying with the addition of a chemical burning sensation. While the author considered the Nair a success, I’m not exactly sold on the idea.
Use Moist Wipes
On the “Advanced Gay” episode of Community, Pierce finds out that his family business, Hawthorne Wipes, has become a fixture in the gay community. When asked what wipes have to do with being gay, the explanation was whispered, leaving it up to the audience’s imagination.
As a straight man seeing this, my admittedly hetero-centric brain managed to make sense of a whole slew of otherwise embarrassing issues.
Where regular toilet paper had been letting me down, there was a product readily available that could put and end, once and for all, to the potential for embarrassing skidmarks. So I went ahead and bought myself a tub of moist wipes, and my girlfriend has finally stopped calling me Patches.