Early ’90s nostalgia is the only reason any of us is even talking about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the first place. A Michaelangelo without dated California surfer lingo just isn’t worth watching. So if Michael Bay wants to make a Turtles movie that people won’t hate, he should take note: the arcade classic Turtles in Time provides a great beginning point that can bring the tubular terrapins into the present day while keeping it canon.
The year is 1991. The place, New York City.
“This is April O’Neil Reporting–”
Suddenly, Krang appears inside a gigantic version of his android body and steals the Statue of Liberty. Shredder’s face flashes across the screen for important plot establishing reasons that shouldn’t be questioned. “HA HA HA,” the Shredder laughs.
“Hey Shredder, bring that statue back you bloated bean bag,” remarks Leonardo.
Hours later, Leonardo, Michaelangelo, Donatello, and Raphael confront the Shredder, who sends them through a time warp. After fighting their way through dinosaurs, pirates, and more, the turtles find themselves back on Liberty Island.
“What a radical trip trough time,” says Raphael looking up at the Statue. “I don’t know how we did it, but Lady Liberty is back where she belongs.”
The wind blows a crumpled print-out from a shitty blog through the air, landing at Michaelangelo’s feet.
“Hey dudes, is it just me or does this Skrillex guy look like he’s one mutagen milkshake too many? And what kind of gnarly newspaper is this, anyway?”
“Umm… Guys…” stammers Donatello, “I think we have a bigger problem on our hands.”
The camera pans across the stunned faces of the four half-shelled heroes as they gaze north toward the Manhattan skyline, devoid of the Twin Towers.
“Hey Mike, let me see that,” says Donatello, taking the paper from Michaelangelo’s hands. “Feburary 2nd, 2012! I don’t think our little romp through time is over yet.”
A dubstep remix of the 1988 Turtles theme plays while the opening credits roll.
Robbi Rist as Michaelangelo
Josh Pais as Raphael
Brian Tochi as Leondardo
and Corey Feldman as Donatello
Featuring guest appearances by Skrillex and Rob Van Winkle as themselves.