Modern Primate

Sometimes you’ve got to take a long hard look at yourself. And not just in the “Should I do a juice cleanse?” kind of way. More along the lines of “I’m in a relationship and I want to make sure I’m still being a human. A good one.” Here’s a quick/not Myers-Briggs way to self-assess:

Is This Relationship Making Me Awesome?

1. How many people have you seen in the last 48 hours?
a. Too many to count. Everyday is an adventure. Did I tell you about meeting the Dalai Lama yesterday?
b. Like 30 something? Uhhh everyone at the office? And on my street? And my roommates?
c. One. My boo. But she doesn’t even count, as we are “2 become 1”.

2. You are at THE best party: friends, music, Game of Thrones-shaped ice luge. The clock strikes 11 o’clock, so you promptly:
a. Get inspired, carve another ice luge with your significant other using a toothbrush and party toothpicks. Anyone want to take a shot off of Jon Hamm’s chiseled jawline?
b. We’ll stay for a little bit. Help clean up and then probably take a cab home or something.
c. 11 o’clock? I should probably get going. It’s been a long night of standing in the corner… whispering.

3. When you and your significant other come home after a night out, you:
a. Decide to make homemade pizza and wings from scratch. Pop open a couple bottles of my homemade IPA to share and give everyone shoulder massages. In a totally cool and not creepy way.
b. Check in with my roommate, then say goodnight.
c. Head straight for “our” room and shut the door. Double bolt it. And set the bedroom security system.

4. When you tell your friend you’re inviting your significant other to the annual camping trip, s/he:
a. Yips! For excitement! Her s’more reputation precedes her.
b. Might have rolled his/her eyes a little.
c. Groans at 120 decibels.

5. Does your mom ask about your love life anymore?
a. Yes. She wants grandkids, like NOW. She doesn’t even care if we’re married or not because according to her, “This earth would be a better place with more of your seed.” My mom’s weird.
b. My mom just sends me pamphlets and emails about various STDs.
c. No, but she keeps trying to set me up with her book club friend’s daughter, Melanie.

6. How’s your team looking this year?
a. There’s no team like the US National Team. We’re hitch-hiking to the 2012 Olympics! We’ll swim if we can’t land a barge in time.
b. Well our intramural coed ultimate frisbee team is doing pretty well.
c. I can’t grow a playoff beard anymore…she doesn’t like the way it feels when we do our secret cheek-to-cheek rub after saying something extra snuggly.

7. Is your pet name for each other:
a. Barack and Michelle, because we are the Presidents of Cool, USA. POCUS.
b. Uhhh our regular names?
c. Love buttons. Teeny Tiny Heart. Cat/Dog. EEKY POOKY NOONY. Love-kins. Love dove. Love Poodle. Lovie Smith. Frodo.

8. How many emotional assessment quizzes have you taken in the last 6 months?
a. I assess my emotions via frequent Friend Feedback, which involves a series of honest conversations talking to friends about our lives. Also, making sandwiches and eating sandwiches.
b. What is this, Cosmo?
c. It started with just a few each week. This is like the 15th one I’ve taken today, and I’m actively scouring the internet for more.

If you scored:

Mostly As: Whoah. You’re doing it.

Mostly Bs: Congratulations. It looks like you’re still being the same/better person, just with more monogamous sex.

Mostly Cs: You. Are. A. Dud. Get out of that relationship vortex. You are part of an all-consuming, fun-time sucking, parasitic dependence of an unhealthy, non-platonic relationship that makes both parties miserable. And also everyone’s bored of you. And frankly, that’s no way to treat yourself or the lady you want to relationship.

How to Treat a Lady provides sensual advice every Friday. Brought to you by KK & Tien of Ladiez Home Journal, who both solemnly swear to No Dumb Girl Crap.