Modern Primate

WATCH OUT. Romance is a tricky bird. And after seeing so many episodes of Game of Thrones, it’s tough to know where one romance ends and the next begins. WE KNOW. So, let’s talk about scene-setting. Years of research (read: pyros) have lead to our conclusion that romance is all about lighting. Corneas and light receptors and stuff — it’s all very scientific. Here’s where you’re asking, “When do I know it’s romance?! Are they going to come right out and say it? Are they going to say, “Look, this is romance, okay.” Well, kind of.

Mood Lighting That Says You are Not About to Have Romance:

• Overhead Lighting: Where are you? In an office building?
• Christmas Lights, Hung Inside: Get out, you’re in a dorm room. You’re going to be splitting chicken tenders from the dining hall, drinking from dirty cups and sharing an XL twin bed. And college love isn’t real! It’s not. It can’t be. It just can’t be. Hold on, we need to dry the tears off this keyboard.
• Christmas Lights, Hung Outside, All the Time: We love festive decorations as much as the next lady, but this person is lazy. Romance is hard work. Therefore, by the power of logical deductions: NO.
• The Sun: Well, he or she is not a vampire. Bonus! That doesn’t mean they’re not another type of mystical creature. Be wary of all the “Let’s hang out outside” talk because they are trying way too hard to be normal.

Now that we’re all on the same “DONTS” page, let’s get to some serious business. No one said mood lighting was going to be easy. Lucky for you, we are well-versed in the practice of environmental romance. Just the other day we had some! The secret: Know Your Candlelight. Here let us show you:

The science of mood lighting clearly shows romance is a balancing act. First, relax. Take a deep breath. You don’t need to be an electrician. Your lighting plan can be simple. You should be worried about lighting the mood with your shining personality, right?! Remember basics like citronella for outdoors, glow sticks for party times, and keep a dimmer on your overabundant Ikea track lighting. Maybe think ahead and leave the bathroom light on to guide a lady’s late night way.

Need extra help? Go to your local adult biz establishment and find some newfangled combo candle/massage oil. Transitioning from mood lighting to mood romancing is sooo easy that way. If you’re going the candle route, just keep a pocket version of our scientific graph handy and try to hit the peak of the bell curve. When you find the right candle-to-face distance, you’ll definitely be in love. Swoons! Solved!

Wait, how’d we get on this lake? AHHHH

How to Treat a Lady provides sensual advice every Friday. Brought to you by KK & Tien of Ladiez Home Journal, who both solemnly swear to No Dumb Girl Crap.