Modern Primate

It’s been a wonderful two weeks of athletic feats! Like, forget-that-you-should-be-working-and-not-streaming-the-olympics-at-your-desk-cheering kind of wonderful. As regular folk, it’s always inspiring to see what the human body is capable of. And you know what!? There’s a little bit of Olympian in all of us.

Okay, yeah, maybe we can’t all pommel horses or swim like butterflies, but I think we can all get to training for an Olympic Village orgy––the one event where we can hold our own against the world’s elite athletes. Athletes are inspirational, and so is their sex. And you know who’s thinking about that right now? The lady sitting next to you. Because you’re reading this next to a potential sexual partner.

We’re handing out the final medal of the Games from the Olympic Sub-Sub-Committee on Civilian Fanship & Adoration: Olympic-Inspired Sex, Indoor or Outdoor, Pairs or Whole Teams.

How hard will you train? How far will the losers fall? You won’t be able to fake it until you make it (ZING!). This race will definitely not be aired, unless you taped it yourself. And leak it to the world. Then NBC might pick it up and narrate it.

Bronze: Points awarded for maintaining arousal after seeing Bob Costas’ face so often.

Silver: 15 pushups, 1 minute of crunches, 1 Gatorade, 1-handed condom application.

GOLD: Run a mile. Swim 1 length of any pool, kiddie or otherwise. Roller blade to the end of the block and back, just cause. Then you and your appointed lady/partners perform a synchronized entrance into the bedroom. Full Amanar into bed. If you don’t stick the landing, you’ll receive a tenth of a deduction off your final boner score. Now, both of you put on women’s beach volleyball uniforms because they are so sexy. Home stretch! Do the sex, while watching Mary Carillo do something FUN in London. Agility and patience in the first half leads you to a record-breaking performance in the home stretch, accompanied by the melodic strains of John WIlliam’s “Olympic Fanfare” produced by your sex noises.

This is a tale of perseverance, strength, skill, and the will to finish first. OK maybe not that last one. The will to finish…best! Or maybe even just finish.

How to Treat a Lady provides sensual advice every Friday. Brought to you by KK & Tien of Ladiez Home Journal, who both solemnly swear to No Dumb Girl Crap.