Modern Primate

Dear Michigan Senate and House of Representatives,

You’re absolutely right. There is a time and a place for “female-specific gentialia” talk, and that time and that place is definitely not during a debate on reproductive health. What was Representative Lisa Brown thinking dropping V-bombs like that without warning?! ‘Scuse us, we mean without warming.

You see, the problem isn’t that she said it. It’s that she used it out of nowhere. It’s like when everyone found out Ping was Mulan. You’re upset because you’re not ready, but then you’re cool when she starts saving the whole country. It’s just like that.

So to avoid another V-gate, here are some games you can play to warm up the house floor. EEE! We can’t wait to see the look on your faces. You’re going to have so much fun!!!!

V@9!/\/@ GAMESSSSS

• Here’s an easy one to start with, it’s called “Rhymes with Regina.” Please note, in every round, Regina pronounces her name with a long i. Now get to it!
• Wordsmiths will love this one: Give your favorite fellow congressperson a Scrabble board and six letters: i, n, g, v, and 2 a’s. Who needs Words with Friends when you can have V-Words with Political Colleagues!
• Open with a handclap rhythm. Then do this dance. This has nothing to do with V-games, but you did it, didn’t you?
• Time for a big group game of Tagteam Spelling: Female Anatomy Limited Edition! Everyone gets to wear fun hats for this one: With a group of 30-40 people, choose two of your favorite friends. Line them up in front of the room, or statehouse, or wherever your celebration may be. Assign one friend the sound, “va” and the other “gina.” See how long it takes them to form a word…extra points for shouting!
• You guys remember Duck Duck Goose, right? How about this new game, where we go around the senate floor and see what everyone’s comfortable with. Vagina Vagina Vagina PENIS. And then the penis stands up and chases the other person around until we all decide to chill out on anti-abortion policies. This game might take a little longer than we’d like.

Cause you’re right, Michigan legislature, only 1 out of every 2 people have a down there so like we can’t just talk about it openly. And in the case of our upper echelons of politics, that’s about 1 out of every 6 people (so it’s really more like Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis….Vagina). So let’s all just get warmed up for it.

Sincerely,
51% of the population

How to Treat a Lady provides sensual advice every Friday. Brought to you by KK & Tien of Ladiez Home Journal, who both solemnly swear to No Dumb Girl Crap.