Modern Primate

A war on women? War on women! Women’s war. The ol’ womanly war. Le Waré. What is this “War on Women”? Is it a new mud wrestling tournament? Or a new action movie starring Gina Carano? Because everyone is talking about it and no one is explaining sides or mechanics or anything. And AskJeeves has no answers. What’s a concerned dude to do?

Well, it looks like we’ve got an even bigger problem than an over-use of catchy inflammatory catchphrases: there are a whole lot of firebombs being hurled by people with political titles attached to their names and dicks half-inside their chinos. And they are aiming straight at the strategic areas of the female population. All of the sudden, the ladyparts we all know and love so well are being used as sites for battle.

Bad move, bro. If there’s one rule you should follow it’s this: her body is a wonderzone, NOT a battlezone.

This is by no means a new trend. Just check out the 400+ bills attacking reproductive rights introduced in the past 2 years. Despite all this legislative firepower wielded in the lady direction/ladyrection, there are still people out there that think we’re making the whole thing up…spinning an old yarn. Well, that yarn is real and it makes for an ugly ass sweater.

The proof is in the pudding. A big, brown GOP military pudding. We unearthed the plans for this not-so-secret attack AND we also have the audio transcripts of their war room meetings. These people are acting-a-fool. When you see this top secret, informative leak, you’re going to see it, look at it, see something like it on TV and be like HUH? STOP! Her body is a wonderzone!

Official War Room Transcript

Commander Man: Alright gentlemen. There are a few areas we haven’t hit yet. Like all of them. Continuously.

General Man: But sir, we’ve already accomplished so much.

Commander Man: So much? So much my ass, soldier! (flips table, picks up planning stick because it fell off the table, and smacks map on the wall) You think this is an accomplishment?

Lieutenant Man: But sir, he’s right. We’ve already cut off their resources for family planning. Delayed the deployment of the Violence Against Women Act.

Politician Man: And we’ve already made it super hard to get conception.

Commander Man: I think you mean contraception, Politician Man.

Politician Man: Sorry, I always get those mixed up. Contraception? Conception? It’s never going to happen to my body. Amiright?!

(HEARTY LAUGHTER)

Commander Man: Perhaps some ideas from our esteemed Afghani colleague. TaliMan?

TaliMan: Well, in my country women have no rights and live in constant fear. So maybe you start by throwing stones at the women again for speaking out of turn?

Commander Man: That seems a little extreme…but I LIKE IT. SNACK TIME. Can someone ask the secretary to order sushi so we can eat it off her?

– End Transmission –

So the next time a missile of ignorance starts heading your way, don’t say we didn’t explicitly warn you with full battle plans. TAKE SHELTER. Protect those wonderzones. Just like John Mayer taught you.

How to Treat a Lady provides sensual advice every Friday. Brought to you by KK & Tien of Ladiez Home Journal, who both solemnly swear to No Dumb Girl Crap.