Modern Primate

Rom-knee-yourself-in-the-face, you’ve just been gaffing it up in the Olympic-related area left and right, haven’t you? Listen, Rom-a-lom, you can’t just toss out insults without reasonable analyses or constructive criticisms. Also, Rom-a-loma-dong-dong, you have this platform to address some serious global issues during one of the most highly anticipated/televised events. But instead, you’ve chosen to make some mean girl remarks about our foreign Anglo brethren political allies. You know, Tiffany did that to Stacey once, and then everyone hated Tiffany, and then she lost the race for class president.

Contrary to Rom-rom-sis-boom-ba, we should all be real particular about what comes out of our mouths in London. There are incredible ladies doing awesome things on the world stage…doesn’t that call for some cheers? Cheers to highlight both their accomplishments and the broader feats we still need to hurdle (PUN).

Pithy cheers for field events:
Hey girl! Throw that hammer!
Oh my gosh! You so strong!
If you thought you commanded the same strength in political representation…you’re wrong!

Hey girl! Jump that sand pit!
Oh my gosh! That was long!
Unfortunately, it’ll be a long time before you earn as much as those with…dongs!

Hey girl! Vault that pole!
Oh my gosh! Spring headlong!
If only you could leap over the regulations of a transvaginal ultrasound and uphold pro-choice…legislaTIONG.

A rallying cry at the triathalon:
RUN RUN as fast as you can!
They can’t catch you, you’re a woman or a man!
(The rest of us don’t really care. We’re not demanding any tests. Keep running!)

And to get the crowd going at the gymnastics floor events:
B-O-D-Y
We ain’t got no alibi
Your body! Yeah yeah your body!
Y-D-O-B
Backwards it still looks muscley
Your body! Yeah yeah Your body!

Cheering for bodies in a completely nonsexual way!!!!! Wooo!! You’re athletic!!!!

Swimmers aren’t too picky, because, well…:
HEY blrbbrle salbblbee YOU ridbabbblleeeee AWAY!

The fervor of the soccer field demands a lot of volume. You should probably just:
(vuvuzela)
(vulvuzela)
(vulvazela)

There you have it! Your Olympic fandom is set. It’s always important to be supportive and constructive when millions of people are listening. Now, go forth and cheer for all your favorite athletes for the next 2.5 weeks and humans for the next two lifetimes. If you need more help, we’ll be selling vulva-shaped vuvuzelas at every arena entrance.

How to Treat a Lady provides sensual advice every Friday. Brought to you by KK & Tien of Ladiez Home Journal, who both solemnly swear to No Dumb Girl Crap.