Modern Primate

That old adage about having the same interests as your lady of interest could not be truer than on the hallowed pages of THE social network. Facebook likes are pretty much the same thing as your real life activities/preferences/dreams/affinities.

So how do you do it? Your liking of her likes. As “like” experts and Facebook referees, we’ve seen some interesting patterns. Read on to find out what you’re saying about yourself with every little digital thumbs-up.

• The following is a transcript of your thoughts. Verbatim. “Oh, what’s that? She had an apple today? LIKE. You know what? I do like that picture of you and your mom in front of the Mall of America. LIKE. Why look at that? Her friend said exactly what I wanted to say about her. LIKE. Oh, I didn’t know she was into pizza. I LIKE pizza!!! She likes breathing air?!?! I LIKE BREATHING AIR!!!” Maybe you’re a little too generous with your likes. Or maybe you think Facebook is a game of Wack-a-Mole because you like everything that appears in your field of vision. Or maybe you are: Boring

• She’s got her Spotify stream connected to her wall, which provides pretty constant updates on what she’s listening to. You want her to know that you like listening to music, too (currency of our generation, etc etc). But only the uber-cool, underground, above ground, turned mainstream, made a left turn onto obscurestream and once in a while throwbacks your audiophile friends talk about when they’re high and standing out on the street after a cool concert they didn’t invite you to. But you’re not high…and you’re on Facebook. And this is the girl you like. So you like all her music posts and concert photos and maybe nothing else, remaining aloof and yet seemingly musically inclined. You are: a Pitchdork

• You saw she changed her profile picture and it’s only been like 15 seconds so you wait a couple hours until you finally feel like it’s cool enough to like the aforementioned profile picture. Maybe you’ll leave a quick comment in a couple days on her upcoming birthday party event: “Haha!” The time you’ve waited shows her that you’re into her, but not like THAT into her because that would be way too vulnerable fast for comfort. This strategery is sooooooo smooooove. She’ll definitely notice you the next time you’re out. You are: www.donjuan.com

• Good thing you liked that link she posted about [fill in hot button issue here]. You’re saying that you guys are TOTALLY on the same page, even if you have no plans to actually do anything politically productive about that page. You are: Lobbying for Attention

• You don’t go on Facebook often. In fact, you remind everyone, every chance you get, that you have a profile, but you barely even check it because you value relationships that take place in real life. Now, you’re in the middle of your real life relationships diatribe at your favorite local bar, McGrody’s, and there in the corner of the bar is the girl of your dreams. She has hair. And for some reason, she is completely taken by your stance on fostering human to human connections.She walks over to you, hair swinginging. Next thing you know, the two of you are giggling in the corner of the bar. You know, that weird space between the bathroom and the server station where no one ever stands. Right there. Giggling. Together. After a few drinks and bang-clearings, the bartender calls last call and she sheepishly admits to having to wake up early for brunch with girlfriends. She leaves you her name and nothing else.What’s a guy to do with just a name? Why, go to the only place where all you need is a name: Facebook. You search for her. Oh my gosh, yes! You found her. And then you wait for weeks. Nay. Months. Social media absence makes the heart grow fonder. You finally friend her. Wow. Breathe. She accepts. *kicks feet up onto desk, hands behind head* You are continuously aloof, picturing her as she wonders where oh where that mysterious stranger is. She must be in agony. Until, finally, the perfect moment… “Oh man, I wish I was at McGrody’s right now,” she says on her facebook status. And with one lightning speed LIKE, you’ve solidified your chances of real time relationship via the information superhighway. Obviously. Your likes are precious. You are: Smeagol.

One of these are, like, definitely you.

How to Treat a Lady provides sensual advice every Friday. Brought to you by KK & Tien of Ladiez Home Journal, who both solemnly swear to No Dumb Girl Crap.