Modern Primate

Remember when you showed up on the doorstep of the woman you had a crush on and recited a moving piece of poetry to her and she fell in love with you. No? You’ve never done that? You should probably do that.

Here, we’ll show you. It’s easy! Start with something simple. Compliments are always a classic.

10 Things I Date About You
Your eyes are like the morning sun
Your hair so soft to touch
My heart’s alive, ten leagues I could run
Hold me, my sweet, I love thee so much.

Your arms so strong, rippling muscles I see
Are you in a biker gang? A CrossFit class? Nay––roller derby.

Now, that you’ve set the groundwork for an evening of choice ass poetry…or is it choice ass-poetry? Either way, read on to find out how you can really tug at her heartstrings. The ones that are connected to her brain and her vagina. Like this romantic AND informative limerick you could recite in an intimate situation.

There once was a smart young lady
Who wasn’t ready to have a baby
With no birth control around
Planned Parenthood run aground
She stopped having sex. JK. That’s crazy.

Turns out, abstinence is not the solution. Really want to woo her? Try out some rhyming couplets about a fantasy world where healthcare is easy and affordable.

Hey girl, I know vaginas are expensive
Let’s fight for healthcare that’s comprehensive

Greetings woman, alas we can’t camp in Michigan
Least not til they *&#$!*ing CHILL their crazy legislation

Salutations lady, I’m a fan of your breasts
Just reminding you of your annual mammogram tests

If you really want to get her riled up…about justice…use verse to call out some issues on the daily.

Mind your manners
Internet trolls
Sucks to have so much time to be
Overtly close-minded
Gentlemen, where you at??
You can’t discriminate forever
No wait, some have been
Yuck.

A haiku demonstrates depth, breadth of emotions, as well as a keen eye for politics.

Ha, what a surprise!
Elephants blocked equal pay
So mad, let’s make out.

Poetry, man. (Snaps) Is there any better literary form to express your truest emotions and intensity of desire for a great lady? Well yeah, writing her a 7-book Choose Your Own Adventure series called The Chronicles of Womania: Game of Catching Fire Under the Lively Hallows about navigating the current socio-political-cultural world without getting catcalled. But hey, those are fantasy novels. (Snap, snap, snap)

How to Treat a Lady provides sensual advice every Friday. Brought to you by KK & Tien of Ladiez Home Journal, who both solemnly swear to No Dumb Girl Crap.