Modern Primate

Women take snacking very, very seriously.  Before we put anything in our mouths, we always ask, “Does this align with our values? Our family values?” (Reminder: all women are mothers.) Well, that answer was a strong, “NO!” when we came across this little gem from the Nabisco family… pfff family. No family company would ever make something like this:

You guys, it’s a rainbow Oreo cookie! Are you freaked out yet? Why aren’t you freaked out yet?! Don’t you know what this means? Rainbow = Gay. Gay = Rainbow. Rainbow Oreo = Gay Oreo. Gay Oreo = Gay Snacking. You are what you eat. You eat that Oreo and you’re going to become a gay. *slaps cookie out of hand* Don’t eat that! That’s how they get you! Phew. Okay, listen, if you want to keep you, your lady and your children safe: Never taste the rainbow. 

Luckily, this was just a temporary photoshopped stunt, so Oreos are safe for consumption again… but what about the foods that are always rainbowed?

RAINBOW WATCH

Skittles: Do NOT have your children taste these, or it’s sexualized “rainbow.”
Lucky Charms:  A gay leprachaun pushing sugar drugs? Nope.
Funfetti Cake: You may think it’s white cake, until one of your kids chokes on the blasphemy that is the poorly-concealed rainbow sprinkles.

It’s not just food, it’s things. What’s a family-loving person to do about rainbow things?!

Lisa Frank Trapper Keepers: Your kids are begging for them because they’re laced with unicorns and rainbow pandas, but you must stand firm. There will be no gay interspecies polygamy in this house.
Crayons: Crayola has made it damn near impossible to avoid a rainbow stacked box. If your child wants the 128 pack of crayons, buy 128 different boxes of them and then spend the night before school starts separating each color into its own box. They’ll thank you when they have a whole box of Jazzberry Jam and not a lifetime of weird butt stuff.
Thong sandals: Don’t you dare slip your sweaty feet into Rainbows. Ew the word thong is not family language.
Apple Computers: Sure they’re great, but…when that computer freezes? Oh you see a rainbow, huh? That’s the dreaded rainbow wheel of death and it has reared its ugly gay head. THROW YOUR MACBOOK AIR AWAY.

And finally, for Mother Nature’s moral trials in the sky…
If you see a rainbow: Close your eyes
If you see a double rainbow: Close your eyes, run to the nearest Abercrombie and Fitch and stare at the models until you’re straight. Or until you pass out from the loud music and perfumes. And bedbugs.

You are SO lucky we are around. Got more rainbow tips? Email us the evidence. No one is safe until every rainbow is wholly ignored into commercial failure.

BONUS: Here buy this cd of songs we made.
Sample:
Why are there so many
Songs about family values
And what’s on the other side
Family values are visions
They’re only illusions.

How to Treat a Lady provides sensual advice every Friday. Brought to you by KK & Tien of Ladiez Home Journal, who both solemnly swear to No Dumb Girl Crap.