Modern Primate

man, that's deep

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MAN, the weather right?! The heat is so hot. And the hot is so heat. And the sun is just right there in your face. And perspiration, huh? Who knew summer could be so unpredictably heaty??

Well it looks like Focus on the Family knew, because they took one long look at Colorado and are calling a fiery spade a fiery abstinence-only spade: preventing wildfires is exactly like sex education. Because when a natural disaster occurs, anyone with a brain automatically starts thinking about sex. Not lives being changed or whatever.

Luckily, not all of us are facing wildfires or close-minded conservative values, but we are facing an entire summer of hot hot steamy steamy heat. And we are dying of thirst for an advanced metaphor about the current heatwave. How do we stay cool?

With smart, safe sex education. The type of sex that combines your brainparts and your sexparts—puts them all into one Jello salad that’s refreshing and so easy to make with the recipe on the back of the Cool Whip container. Sound good, teenz?

Here are some hot tips to cool you down:

1. Drink plenty of knowledge based in factual evidence.
2. Stay in the shade of healthy relationships.
3. Put at least 30+ SPF (Special Protective Flavors) on your private parts. Cool tip: One of our favorite SPFs is latex.
4. Don’t use too much AC or your electricity bills will be sky-high.
5. Finish with popsicles.

Flame on, young adult friends. (Insert photograph of sexy firefighter halloween costume here.)

How to Treat a Lady provides sensual advice every Friday. Brought to you by KK & Tien of Ladiez Home Journal, who both solemnly swear to No Dumb Girl Crap.

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