Modern Primate

As part of my newly-ongoing series of interviews with fictional characters, I’ve gone back in time using a judicious consumption of Cognac and riboflavin to meet with one of the best loved heroes in modern storytelling: super secret agent, James Bond 007. I caught up with Mr. Bond in 1967; roughly around the time he thought it was okay and plausible to pretend to be Japanese.

KYLE: Mr. Bond, thank you so much for meeting me and agreeing to this little interview.
BOND, JAMES BOND: Certainly, no trouble at all.
K: I guess my first question is: Did you really think the Japanese disguise was a good idea?
B, JB: How do you know about that?
K: It just seems to me that, you being quite a tall Englishman (with a touch of a Scottish accent), maybe trying to make yourself look like a person of Asian descent might be at best misguided and at worst blatantly racist.
B, JB: I didn’t think I’d have to come here and defend my actions in the line of duty.
K: Of course, that was uncouth of me.
B, JB: I saved the world from SPECTRE so maybe the ends justified the means.
K: You’re right of course, I apologize.
B, JB: It’s all right.
K: But seriously, it’s pretty racist.
B, JB: Now, look here—
K: Redacted! Let’s move on. Your exploits have become legendary, especially with regard to your love life.
B, JB: Have they?
K: Oh, yes. It seems like you sleep with at least three women per mission. That’s a pretty good ratio; is that considered a job perk?
B, JB: Well, all for Queen and country.
K: Do you ever worry about the impact your love-‘em-and-leave-‘em attitude has on these young ladies?
B, JB: I make it clear I put the job first, and usually it doesn’t sit well with the girls so I have to let them on their way.
K: Domino and Honey Ryder were quite young, one might even say virginal, doesn’t that get taken into account or is it just par for the course for you?
B, JB: Well, I don’t think it was quite as simple as that.
K: Pussy Galore was pretty clearly a lesbian, yet you were able to make her fall for you; how do you explain that?
B, JB: Some nuts are a little tougher to crack, but they usually come around. Unless they’re old.
K: That’s a bit rapey, isn’t it?
B, JB: Not at all. I never force women; I never have to. Women tend to succumb to my charms of their own volition.
K: So any woman just needs a man to win her over and forsake her deviant homosexual ways?
B, JB: I didn’t say that; now don’t put words in my mouth.
K: Do you feel bad when women you’ve recently “conquered” get murdered?
B, JB: Of course I do. It’s a regrettable tragedy, every time.
K: So, when the woman working for SPECTRE got shot on the dance floor and you cracked the joke, “Do you mind if my friend sits this one out? She’s just dead,” you were saying that with the utmost reverence?
B, JB: How do you know all of these things?
K: Speaking of that, let’s talk a moment about your profession: International Secret Agent. Do you think you’re a particularly good spy?
B, JB: I think my record for getting the job done speaks for itself.
K: What about all the wholesale destruction of property and murder?
B, JB: All part of being a Double-O.
K: Is it customary for Double-Os to tell everyone their name all the time?
B, JB: What do you mean?
K: Well, seriously, what kind of “secret agent” uses his own name all the time?
B, JB: It doesn’t matter; my cover is rarely blown.
K: What are you talking about?! You’re the most recognized person in international spying, crime, and terrorism. You don’t see George Smiley being so willy-nilly with his name. Or pretending to be Japanese.
B, JB: Who’s that?
K: My point exactly!
B, JB: What I want to know, sir, is how exactly you’re familiar with all of my missions? Are you a SMERSH agent?
K: Welp, I think my alcohol and bran is wearing off so I’ll bid you adieu.
B, JB: Where’s Blofeld?!?!
K: Goooooodbye!! *woop woop woop woop*
B, JB:…Why are you making that noise?

I actually really enjoy the 1960s James Bond movies, but they are ridiculously sexist and silly. And You Only Live Twice is pretty racist and terrible.