Modern Primate

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It’s once again time for me to eat a metric ton of riboflavin, do 35 jumping jacks, and make up a song called “I’m a Tugboat, Call Me Mel,” and travel into the land of the not-real to have another interview with a fictional character. Today, I’ve decided to pretend I’m talking to Bryan Mills, the ex-CIA agent father in the Taken films. I caught up with Mr. Mills at a café in Brussels, where he’s been assigned to protect the Czarina of Tokyo. The events occur in real time.

ME: Hello, Mr. Mills. Thank you for agreeing to speak to me today.

MILLS: Of course, Kyle. Nice to speak to you.

ME: Now, you used to be a CIA operative, is that correct?

MILLS: Yes, but I can’t talk about any missions I may have been on.

ME: Oh, of course, I wouldn’t dream of asking about those. But I am curious about this “particular set of skills” you obtained while working as such.


ME: Yes, this is what you said to your daughter’s kidnappers.

MILLS: How could you have known about that? Who sent you!?

ME: Calm down. It’s public knowledge.


ME: Don’t worry about it. Now, what are these skills you have?

MILLS: I’m quite adept at tracking people down.

ME: Uh huh.

MILLS: And I have an extensive knowledge of torture methods.

ME: That’s handy.

MILLS: And I can drive a car skillfully while shooting a gun.

ME: Those are very particular. You seem to be very good at them.

MILLS: Well, thank you. I’ve spent a career cultivating those skills.

ME: But, if you forgive me, I noticed there was a “particular” skill glaringly missing from that set.

MILLS: Is there?

ME: Yes.

MILLS: What is it?

ME: Come on, Bryan; I think you could probably guess it if you really thought about it.

MILLS: I really can’t think of anything.

ME: Really? Not even if I say “parental responsibility?”

MILLS: I think I’m a great father. I flew all the way across the world to rescue my daughter, and then I taught my daughter some of my particular set of skills so that she was able to rescue her mother and me. If that’s not good parenting, I don’t know what is.

ME: How about the part where you don’t let her get kidnapped in the first place?

MILLS: I wasn’t even in France when she was…taken.

ME: Granted but you, or someone, should have maybe taught her how to be in a foreign country and not get sold into white slavery. Hell, I’m an unattractive dude and even I know not to talk to anyone for fear of being sold into white slavery.

MILLS: To be fair, I didn’t think her going was a good idea.

ME: Oh, sure. I guess we can write off that whole first thing as a fluke, a once-in-a-lifetime chance occurrence. But then it happens again!

MILLS: It was retaliation.

ME: For your crappy parenting, sure.

MILLS: You’re making me very angry, sir. I am not a man to trifle with.

ME: Look, don’t use your intimidation on me, dude. I’m merely stating the point that a good dad would have kept your family from being in danger in the first place. And you allowed yourself to get kidnapped; what kind of example does that set?

MILLS: Have you ever had your hand broken in 15 places? I have the skills to perform that particular task.

ME: Hey, look! A pack of wolves!

MILLS: What?

ME: (while running away) Wakka-wakka-wakka!!!


Mills is actually pretty good at tracking people down. Since the interview took place, I’ve been on the lam, stopping only occasionally to write blogs and eat more riboflavin. Perhaps one day, Bryan Mills will catch me, and I will be taken.  And so, this once again ends a trip into my psychosis. Join me again next time when my guest will be a different fictional character that I can ridicule and mock. Ciao!

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