Modern Primate

This weekend, Timur Bekmambetov’s film Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter comes out. Based on the wildly popular novel by Seth Grahame-Smith, it tells the previously unknown story of Mr. Lincoln’s battle with an army of vampires throughout his life and presidency. This is sure to be interesting escapist fare, but did you know there other presidential-themed action/horror movies slated for release? Well, let’s pretend there are. Here are the similar films coming soon to a theater near me and probably not you.

George Washington: Vampire Biter
It’s a well known fact that the father of our country had wooden teeth. What better use of them than dispatching vampires? You don’t need an axe made of silver when you have chompers made of birch. Now, you may think it’s hard for someone to bite through a chest cavity to reach the heart, but what this movie will also show is that the first president was also a world champion pie eater. His jaw muscles were six times the strength of a normal human’s. And remember that cherry tree he cut down and couldn’t lie about? Yeah, he chewed it down like a beaver! He never quite told the truth about that part. His long winter on the Potomac was beset with undead aquatic encounters and General Washington knew that if these bloodthirsty heathens won, it would also mean sure victory for the damned redcoats.

Theodore Roosevelt: Demon Bludgeoner
The 26^th President saw a lot of terrible things during the Spanish-American War and most of that had to do with all the Hellspawn he had to put down. Yeah, it seems whilst his Rough Riders traipsed up and down Cuba, one of them discovered an ancient scroll (put there by someone evil, probably) and when the Latin incantation was read aloud (something all cavalrymen know how to do), it release a horde of hideous and bloodthirsty Kandarian Demons. The demons were blind and hunted by listening for the sounds of unwary men talking loudly to each other. Thus, Roosevelt adopted his famous policy, “Speak softly and carry a big stick,” so that he could sneak up on the demons and then beat them about the head and face with a club until they were dead or sent back from whence they came. He’d always give them the option of leaving on their own accord; he believed everyone deserved a Square Deal.

Grover Cleveland: Werewolf Spy
Grover Cleveland was both the 22^nd and the 24^th president of the United States. He’s the only president ever to serve two non-concurrent terms, and do you know why? Because he was asked to go on a covert mission for four years while Benjamin Harrison putzed around in Washington. Despite being one of our pudgier presidents (no one can touch Taft), Cleveland was a world class bear-wrestler and could be surprisingly nimble when need be. He also fervently opposed the Free Silver movement which would have taken the U.S. off of the gold standard, which was less for fiscal reasons and more for his overseas fight against a clan of Slavic werewolves. Only Grover had the wherewithal, the brute force, and the skill with an edged weapon needed to lead his rag-tag group of Mugwumps to help liberate Europe from its lycanthropic curse. The secret battle took it out of him, unfortunately, and upon being elected to his second term, he was so full of werewolf knowledge that he was unable to think his way out of the late 1800s economic collapse.

Harry S. Truman: Commie Robot Dismantler
While not everyone had faith in President Truman, he may have single-handedly saved the world from robotic communist clones. In the years following World War II, the threat of international communism became an immediate danger. As the Cold War began, Truman set up a system of “Loyalty Checks” in order to out communist sympathizers. What no one knows is that he had uncovered a scheme to replace all of America’s leaders with Soviet-controlled robotic clones. In the night, he was nearly replaced himself if not for his quick thinking and knowledge of machinery. Once the he discovered the source of the robot, he decided it were up to him and him alone (“The buck stops here,” he said) to end this threat. As a 33 degree Freemason, he was keenly able to detect the slightest inconsistency between human and fake and spent the entirety of his term determining who was a Red Robot. It turns out, the robots were highly susceptible to steam and became loopy when the heat rose too high. Truman’s mantra became: “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.” In this case, the kitchen meant being a communist robot.

William Henry Harrison: Ghost Becomer
William Henry Harrison was President for exactly one month. Because he died. The “official story” is that he caught pneumonia from standing it out in the cold and the rain to give his lengthy inaugural address. Well that’s what they WANT you to believe. The truth is during that single March 4-April 4 period, the White House, and indeed America as a whole, was in danger of falling into a spectral vortex and opening the country to attack from banshees and the like. While leading American troops in the War of 1812, Harrison first became aware of a curse placed upon our nation by a Native American Shaman. He promised that, should Harrison ever become is nation’s leader, then all the evil laid down against the native people would be revisited a hundred fold. WHH ignored the warning and the day after his inauguration, he began seeing ghosts and things in his home. The spirits became evermore numerous and destructive and eventually the president saw his only course of action was to defend the country from the other side. Allowing his soul to be tied to the Capitol and his body to die, William Henry Harrison now fights a never-ending quest to keep the forces of darkness at bay.

Now, wouldn’t you like to see ALL of these? I would. Please, Hollywood, feel free to option any of these. Copyright: Kyle Anderson 2012.