Modern Primate

Who’s your VP Candidate? Probably a woman, because the only way to fight fire is by using a woman as a trading token for votes. That’s how Mittens is going to play this game…

When John McCain was going up against big mean Socialist Man of Color Barack Obama, he chose to play The Oppression Olympics by bringing Mrs. Sarah Palin on board – a woman with little if any qualification for running a colony of ants, let alone a country, should old fogey pogue McCain kick the bucket. But alas, the people of the United States decided that failed conservative strategies of war mongering were not going to work were reverse racist and decided that they’d rather have Barack Obama over some old white guy.

Cue this year’s election. Romney says now, “wouldn’t it be cool if I told the NAACP they were a bunch of government mooches, and SURPRISE MY VICE PRESIDENT CANDIDATE IS CONDOLEEZZA RICE- don’t you want a woman OF COLOR as VP?” Seeing how a regular woman wasn’t enough to convince all those reverse racist voters that white people should rule the world, Mittens has decided that he can convince them to vote for him because he is using an African American woman as bait he believes in America. You’re obviously a sexist racist if you don’t vote for Mittens NOW WITH MORE W.O.C.

ADVICE TIME

HOW FUTURE REPUBLICANS (YOU) SHOULD CHOOSE A VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE (assuming you’re a man, because everyone knows women are too emotional to be president):

1. Choose someone that hates you. Because you’re not going to entrench partisan lines. No, you are going to cross the chasm. You believe our government needs to be brought under one unanimous party with a high lord president who knows what is best for the people. Your presidential ticket should be based on one person believing we should keep our corporate finance deals on the DL by hiding it behind a message of hope, and someone who flaunts their corporate finance deals as street cred. IT WILL BE A TWO-PARTY PARTY (that’s like when two parties combine and become disastrous…ly fun).
2. Be sure that the person you choose wants to be VP (and not grandmaster of the television). Sarah Palin’s biggest flaw was that she was just too big of a personality for a sidekick. That’s why McCain lost . The newses looked to her as the coming of the new public intellectual, the person with all the answers, and that could spell disaster for a senate that has a hard time accurately quoting the Bible.
3. Select someone who occupies your opposite position on the White People Index of Privilege. That would be an African American or Black person, probably female – but remember, they’re emotional. Because there are only two axis of racial discrimination in the U.S. (White/Black), two genders (Man/Being-Without-Penis), and one sexuality (the hetero sexuality). All other people could not have possibly been born in this country, or offer any form of meaningful balance to your white male ASSets.