Modern Primate

PrivilegeFTW is a recurring feature that poses the grandmommy of all political questions: “Trolling? Or just dumb?” I pull together all those moments when privilege undermines the political, when assumptions about gender and sexuality lead to more assumptions and away from reality. And I do so as a friendly troll – because what’s life like without taking faulty logic to the n-th degree?

There is a lot going around the blogosphere these days about sexual objectification. But ladies, stop it. Stop being objectified by people who are objectifying you! According to a recent post on Sociological Images, there is a daily routine that you can stop doing, and magically you will be unobjectified- they even promise a future post on a daily routine you SHOULD do… such as donning your habit.

“What if I want to be sexy for the non-male gaze (i.e. I’m a lesbian)?” Too bad. “What if I want to be sexy for the MALE gazer?” Too bad. “What if I’m not a lady?” Then your sexual objectification is of no concern, apparently. Look ladies and feminine types and all those who want people to be sexually attracted to themselves (but don’t do it in a sexualizing way), the only reason you want to be sexy is because patriarchy. The pleasure you derive from being sexy/ed is PATRIARCHY’S TRICK! INSTEAD, you should want to live in a vacuum of being with no sexy time. Wait, vacuums are a TOOL OF PATRIARCHAL OPPRESSION TOO. For cleaning.

Now that I’m done trolling, lets get down to business. Obviously, there’s a bit of Puritan logic here. PURITANISM as in CHRISTIANITY – Don’t seek sexual attention, Jesus wants you to love me for me. And, like so many totally effective rape campaigns [sarcasm], we have a typical blame the victim scenario: women, the reason your objectified sexually is because you’re letting men objectify you.

At Modern Primate, however, we are not puritans. We fully endorse both homo and str8 sexytime – some of us endorse both at the same time even – so long as time, place, and method are all consensual. And that’s why we would like to offer a fantastic guide entitled:

HOW NOT TO OBJECTIFY A PARTNER WHILE FINDING THEM SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE AND APPROACHING THEM ABOUT THEIR SEXUAL ATTRACTIVITY (in 4 easy steps):

1. Cat calls. Obviously, every man, woman, space alien that has ever whistled, meowed, or mooed in the pursuit of a partner has gotten laid. I personally find being treated like cattle steered through pasture a major turn on [pun, get it?]. BUT NOT EVERYONE DOES. So, kindly ask your pursued if they enjoy being publicly called out for their visual appearance. If they say no, SHUT THE F**K UP.
2. Definitions of attraction. We all have them. Often, in the media, our limits of attraction are narrowed down to skinny white ladies with a lot of Vaseline on their teeth (and some how they caught a disease called “photoshop” or something? Poor wealthy people and their strange diseases). Also, that is why BBW porn is the highest selling in America. Wait, huh? Anyways, branch out a bit from what the media tells you is hot. When’s the last time you trusted the media for anything other than a good laugh? Look for partners who don’t conform to the standards of beauty promoted by the media, because chances are they’re really cool people too, who will blow your mind with the whole of their personality(s). ** AND, if you are going to consume the soft-core porn that constitutes 98% of our media (I’m looking at you Pat Robertson), do so critically. Remember though, stereotypically-attractive people need love too.*** this proposition comes without any guarantees. Asshole is a disease caught by many regardless of sexuality, body type, and species.
3. Body hatred. It sux. And it’s not just women who do this, but an increasing number of men – regardless of sexuality. We are a country of obese people with a skinny jean fascination, apparently. I say good for us. If you’re happy with your body, forget everyone else. If eating big macs all day makes you as happy as my eating melons end on end, then w/e. If you don’t like someone’s body, THEN YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. Your hatred of other peoples’ body is a flaw in your character, not theirs. So maybe you should figure some shit out, eh?
4. “Stop competing for sexual partners.” Really? I have to respond to this crap? Are we poo-flinging gorillas? If you like someone that someone liked first, IT’S PROBABLY BECAUSE THE PERSON IS LIKABLE. And if you like a person, and someone else likes them too, you have three options:

• i.      be yourself, and do whatever is in the range of your own ethical universe to get them to like you too (plz note, structures are these invisible things that make you think you had a wonderful individual idea, but the idea is actually put there by a system of pre-existent thought used to maintain hierarchies in gender and sexuality. Ask yourself, “Am I losing a piece of myself doing this?” If not, carry on my wayward gender ambiguous progeny.) .
• ii.     be yourself, and continue on doing you. Because you’re likable, and the person should like you for being you.
• iii.     Be yourself, and find one of the other 1.5 billion people in this country that wear converse sneakers. Besides, if the person doesn’t have a particular spark that makes them unique to you, your probably just doing the sexual equivalent of snipe hunting.

And, in the end, if you are not the one who sparks love/lust in the heart of that person you want to be with, then it’s not a flaw in you. You didn’t do anything wrong. In my humble opinion, it’s not the competition that’s the problem, but the sense of people as meat and the pursuant as going hungry if they fail to attract a partner. That’s the patriarchal prerogative here.

So closing wisdom: sex is not evil. It’s actually quite enjoyable. Looking sexy is not evil, it’s a choice that people make – and no, just because they look DAMN FINE does not mean they’re seeking sex, it just means they look really good for a purpose that you are welcome to inquire about… respectfully. However, being a sexist pig that diminishes the person with whom you wish to enjoy the sexes to nothing more than an object for your own visual and/or physical pleasure IS EEEVILLLL (unless it’s kink, then it’s respect rapped inside evil. Don’t worry, I won’t ruin the fantasy for you).