It’s only been three weeks into the NFL season and already the replacement referees have made a mockery of the game and become a national joke. It illustrates the stubborn, tight-waddedness of Commissioner Goodell and the importance of having people who know what they’re doing in various positions. However, have we stopped to consider the other victims of these new (shitty) referees (shittily) calling professional football games? It’s a horrific chain reaction that affects everybody… EVERYBODY. With the replacement refs working NFL games, there are now no people qualified to work at Foot Locker.
Naturally, these refs were chosen simply for their ability to wear and already own striped clothing, so it made all the sense in the world for them to step up to the big games. Foot Lockers suddenly became severely understaffed and they were forced to do a mass hiring of high school and undeclared college students. As they were dangerously unqualified to attend to the individualized foot needs of the customers, a large percentage of people now suffer from leg, back, shoulder, and metatarsal distress, not to mention a slew of unreported cases of plantar fasciitis.
People who depended on Foot Locker for comfortable yet functional sport or work shoes are now less able to perform their day-to-day activities. Exercise ceases because nobody wants to have sore feet or backs when during already irritating physical activity. Workdays become even longer as people have to take numerous breaks to ice down their poor tootsies for relief from the fire that burns within. These people are less happy and content than they were before and a greater malaise spreads throughout the portion of the country who usually shops at malls. A contingent of these people have taken to going completely barefoot, maintaining that even the scorching asphalt, unattended dog poop, and the occasional stabbing with a stray piece of glass aren’t as bad as constant discomfort. Some people even see the pain as being more alive. (Incidentally, the amount of tetanus shots needed have quadrupled)
Where Foot Locker has faltered, other shoe chains like Payless and DSW have thrived. None have been as positively impacted, though, as Famous Footwear. Their profits have soared in the relatively short time since the whole messy business began. While this may just seem like a company doing well, it’s actually far more nefarious; Famous Footwear is the legitimate face of a multinational company called “COAT DATA FM,” which, it turns out, stands for “Consortium of Assholes That Do Awful Things All For Money.” They’ve been behind just about every evil thing that’s happened on the planet Earth since the Dark Ages, granted the name has changed several times. At one point they were called UNICEF. By Famous Footwear stock rising like a Dark Knight in a hole prison, COAT DATA FM is now free to commit horrible acts of comic book-style bad-guyery throughout the globe.
How are they free to do all of these things? Well, I’ll tell you. With people irritated by the way the NFL season is going and being constantly in pain from their sore and deformed feet, they are paying less and less attention to the amount of Starbucks cups that have gone uncollected from garbage bins. Trash collectors the world over have been instructed not to pick up any Starbucks cup, lid, or sleeve in any receptacle so that, eventually, garbage cans will be full of nothing but. But why would they do this? Every trash can is overflowing with Starbucks crap meaning there’s nowhere for people to throw their other garbage and, because COAT DATA FM knows that humans would rather throw shit on the ground than be made to hold a piece of paper or plastic an extra five minutes until they get home, piles of loose refuse are filling the sidewalks and gutters of the world, facilitating the need for more and more garbage collectors to work more hours meaning the waste management companies can charge the cities any price they choose.
Starbucks, meanwhile, is free to claim that their customers are the only ones who care about the planet, as theirs is the only logo seen in any sort of proper bin, and as such the customers become even more smug and self-entitled than before, leading to more coffee buying. Who do you think owns Starbucks? It’s as clear as day. COAT DATA FM needed the complete cooperation of the waste removal companies and have secretly forged a deal binding all of them under one single governor who receives a sizable check of the gross grosses and a seat at the Table of World Bad People (or TOWBP), complete with parking spot and access to the company gym.
And just who is this man, you ask? It had to be someone they could trust and someone with the power to set the wheels in motion. The newly appointed head of the World Waste Retrieval Group is none other than former COAT DATA FM assassin and gardener, Famous Footwear and Starbucks stockholder, and overall enormous douche, NFL Commissioner Roger “Succotash” Goodell.
It’s all so simple! The whole thing’s been set up from the beginning! Every little piece had to be perfectly in place so no one would be aware of the big picture. Coffee, trash, shoes, football, crime – it’s all connected. Global catastrophe; panic in the streets; fat, irritated Football fans; all of this horror, fraud, malfeasance and chicanery are due to one, inescapable thing:
Coming soon to a theater in your brain.