Modern Primate

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So far, the Presidential nomination process has supplied the American people with enough facepalms and uncomfortable laughter to last every man, woman and child well into 2013. Lost in this torrid shitshow has been the subtle art of political slashfic—UNTIL NOW. Each week I’ll select a particular media artifact (a picture, video clip, or ill-conceived comment) and will write a story based on the people, places or things contained therein. Today, Rick Santorum says a naughty word and pays the price!

Ricky-Rick Santorum has been a very naughty boy. When the mean old reporter asked some things about that thing, Ricky huffed and he puffed and he said the BS word, which was wrong! His mom was so mad she sent him straight to bed without any dinner!

“And no toys either,” she said.

“B-b-but moooom,” Ricky whined. “Not even my Glowbear Bible?”

Ricky’s favorite toy is a bear-shaped nightlight that projects Bible verses onto the wall. His favorite game is to lie on his tummy and read the parts about all those smitings again and again. He’d laugh so much!

“No,” Ricky’s mom said. “No Glowbear Bible for naughty boys.” She looked at her 53 year-old son and frowned. She was very cross! “What’s that smell?” she asked.

“I don’t smell nuthin,” Ricky said.

“Richard John Santorum!” Ricky’s mom said. “You are a stinkpot! You must take a bath this instant!”

Ricky stuck out his bottom lip. He hated baths ever since the time his dingy got stuck in the drain.

“I’m going to draw you some water. I’ll be taking away your floaty toys, as punishment.”

“No floaty toys!?” Ricky’s eyes filled with tears.

“Maybe next time you won’t make the baby Jesus cry with your secular mouth,” his mom said.

:)

Once Ricky was in the bath, he remembered he’d hidden some Fisher Price Little People® where the soap should have been. He took them out and made them dance a bubble dance.

“My name is Ricky Santorum,” he made one say. “I am President of the United States!” The other one was a lady with black hair.

“My name is Matt Roomba,” he made her say. “I am a dingy!”

Ricky blushed saying such a bad thing! But it also felt good.

“Hey Matt Roomba,” Little Person® Ricky said. “I bet you eat corn.”

Little Person® Matt Roomba dunked under the water. “Ricky Santorum I think you should be President!” he said when he came up for air.

“Your toes look like your face and Jesus doesn’t love you!” Little Person® Ricky said. “I bet your mom has a job!”

“RICHARD JOHN SANTORUM,” Ricky heard from the hallway. “I said no playing. Do I need to come in there and paddle your bottom?”

“No mom,” Ricky said, even though Little Person® Ricky nodded yes. He put his Little People® back in the soap dish and wiggled his toes. Running for President is fun!

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