Modern Primate

So far, the Presidential nomination process has supplied the American people with enough facepalms and uncomfortable laughter to last every man, woman and child well into 2013. Lost in this torrid shitshow has been the subtle art of political slashfic—UNTIL NOW. Each week I’ll select a particular media artifact (a picture, video clip, or ill-conceived comment) and will write a story based on the people, places or things contained therein. When we last saw Rick Santorum, he had just found a new career as Mitt Romney’s beloved family dog. Let’s see how he’s getting settled in!

The first day Ricky Santorum moved in with Matt Roomby, he got a leather collar and a new name. It took Matt Roomby a while to decide what to call him, but finally he settled on Jeff Gordon, which according to one of Matt’s butlers is the name of a famous NASCAR driver. “I love NASCAR,” Matt said, wiping his forehead with a twenty-dollar bill.

That was two months ago, and they have been the best two months of Ricky’s whole life! Most of the time Ricky stays home with the blonde lady, but sometimes Matt takes Ricky on day trips to that one crowded place filled with drunk people where Ricky used to play senator. The crowded place reminds Ricky of when he was a baby and spent all day nursing, and that makes him miss his mommy a little, even though she’s mean. But when that happens Matt gives Ricky a biscuit, and tells him to go poop in all kinds of funny places, like Al Franken’s espresso machine. It’s hard to stay sad when you’re pooping!

On Saturdays, Matt calls the people who take pictures for newspapers. He tells them to come over and take pictures of him walking his dog Jeff Gordon, and also to make sure one of the neighborhood kids can come pick up Jeff Gordon’s poops after they’re finished. Matt pays one dollar for every poop thicker than a Snickers bar. “Don’t spend it all in one place,” he tells one crying five year-old.

But what Ricky loves most about being Matt Roomby’s dog Jeff Gordon is that every day is so exciting and different! Today for example right before breakfast Matt Roomby asked one of the morning-shift servants to tell him what was in the refrigerator. When the servant finished listing food, Matt frowned. Something was wrong!

“Are we out of Activia?” he asked.

Matt’s servant looked again and nodded.

“That is such a disappointment!” Matt Roomby said. “Do you have any idea how difficult it is to spend so much time in a private jet, eating pâté?”

“What’s patty?” his servant asked.

Matt Roomby shook his head and smiled. Poors!

A second morning-shift servant cleared her throat and stepped forward. “Do you want us to call the delivery service?”

“No,” Matt said. “It’s important for the American people to see me as a Regular Joe. Please ask one of the footmen to prepare my carriage.” Both servants bowed. “And make sure someone brings a camera.”

Once the servants were gone, Matt looked down at Ricky. “Does Jeff Gordon feel like going on a ride?”

Ricky nodded because RIDES!!

An hour later, the horses were washed and ready for the trip down to Safeway. Matt Roomby climbed into the waiting carriage and whistled for Ricky to follow. Once inside, he reached down and scratched behind Ricky’s ears, sending a puff of dirt and leftover Cadbury Crème Egg flakes fluttering to the floor. Ricky licked Matt’s thigh and stuck his head out the carriage window. Today was the best!!!!