Modern Primate

- Hey boss, you got a second?

Hmm? Sure. What’s up?

- I got a great idea I wanna tell you about!

You have an idea, AND you’re exited? Go on.

- We make a death clock for Cat Marnell!

Oh God. Geoffrey…

- Hear me out! We partner with Vice to make a clock that counts down the number of days before Cat Marnell finally becomes the tragic overdose martyr that everyone’s been not-so-secretly hoping she’ll become all along.

That’s in really poor taste, Geoffrey.

- Which makes it a pitch-perfect match for her Vice column, right?

…

- Ideally, to do it right, we should also partner with a high-end watch maker, the kind that Cat would normally name drop, and we have them sponsor the clock. In return we’ll design the countdown clock to look like one of their timepieces.

No.

- Then we get Terry Richardson and Karl Lagerfeld-

No.

- And whatever is left of Cat’s corpse-

Seriously, this is horrible.

- THAT’S BEEN THE POINT THE ENTIRE TIME! What part about that don’t you get?! Fashion, fame, drugs, self-loathing, glamour, objectification, exploitation, jaded disaffected amphetimine fueled trust-fund socialites self destructing in a blaze of-

Geoffrey, you sound like a fucking teenager sometimes.

- Isn’t that the black magic you hired me for?

No. And get out of my office.

- But… But this is the living room.

…

- When are we going back to New York?

Soon. But I don’t know if bringing you is such a great idea.

- You know I don’t really idolize these people. You know I only follow their stuff ironically, right?

I think that might be worse.

- Oh drop the holier than thou attitude and come down off your high horse! You can’t actually think for one minute that it’s any worse for me to read and laugh at Cat Marnell than for you to gawk at Hoarders, Meet The Hutterites, and My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding. They’re all voyeurism and they all bank on enfreakment. If anything, Cat Marnell’s column might be a little more honest because she’s the one writing it. She may not always be in her right mind but she’s not subjected to the will of a show producer who’ll cut her words in whatever light will make her look the worst.

*sigh* You know what? I think you might be right.

- You’re damn right I’m right. So are we doing the Cat Marnell overdose countdown clock or what?

No. We’re not going to start hedging bets on when some addict is going to die.

- But I thought you agreed with me!

I only agreed that our media consumption habits are about as bad as each other’s. In terms of enacting bad ideas, you’re still far worse than me.

- So if she dies of an overdose at some point, are you really okay with having this conversation of ours floating around out there, soaking up SEO-juice for the “cat marnell death” search term? Will you be proud that you were the first? Is that really so different than getting a corporate sponsor for a countdown clock?

You’re right. I’m no better than you. But do you think anyone would actually want their brand associated with the countdown clock?

- Are you kidding me? No way. I just wanted to see if you could actually argue me out of it. Now that I know your true colors, I think I’m going to have to exercise a little more discretion when pitching ideas to you.

How am I supposed to know when you’re kidding? You’re  a cat! You’re like, evil by nature, aren’t you?

- Come on. I may have a warped sense of humor but I think I deserve a little more credit than that.