Modern Primate

Hey Geoffrey, did you hear the one about the dentist in Indonesia who modified his drill to play mp3s?

- Yikes. Why would you do that?

Apparently he wanted to make the experience more bearable. Like, I guess the rationale was that the music would be a novel distraction.

- Instead, I bet his patients will have phantom tooth pains every time they hear a certain song.

Mmhmm. And have you seen this list of weird animal penises on The Week?

- Now that’s really great. You’ve gotta give them credit for not fucking around with the blatant click-bait.

No doubt. And it’s actually really good. Instead of just being a grotesque photo gallery, it’s all descriptive text. So it’s Safe For Work, and then if one is so inclined you can Google whatever you want to see, like these four-headed echidna penises.

- Holy mother of God. And I thought I had a weird penis.

Speaking of that, have you ever seen the Alexamenos Graffito?

- The what now?

The Alexamenos Graffito. Apparently, the oldest known depiction of Jesus Christ is actually a piece of graffiti in an ancient Roman schoolhouse mocking someone named Alexamenos for being a Christian. The main talking point behind it is that it’s proof that Christians have been historically persecuted.

- Oh, you mean the people in the majority in the US? The people who get all incensed when you say “Happy Holidays” as though by not wishing Jews a Merry Christmas you’re somehow oppressing Christians? Why is this an interesting talking point?

Well, I just liked mule head on the Crucifix. But my strict Christian upbringing leaves me easily amused by blasphemy.

- Wait, so are these really the top stories that we should be talking about? What about the premiere of 666 Park Avenue?

Ah yeah, I haven’t seen it yet. I’ll catch up, though.

- Ah, how about Once Upon a Time? I know you and Whitney watch that.

Yeah, we were gonna watch that last night but somehow got sidetracked. We’ll watch that tonight.

- Okay. What about Kate Middleton’s bottomless photos?

Geoffrey, you know we don’t do naked lady photos here.

- We do stories about people putting both bacon and wine up their asses, but not nude photos?

Yeah. You have a problem with that.

- No, not really. You realize that’s a little odd, though, right?

Meh. I stand by my decisions.

- So I take it Lena Dunham’s choice to go pantsless is off the table as well?

Oh God, Geoffrey! Why would you even… This is verging on terrible. What else is on the agenda?

- Did you see Miley Cyrus has chosen Liam Hemsworth over Twitter?

What’s a Liam Hemsworth?

- I don’t know. Let me Google that… Looks like he’s an Australian soap opera actor whom Miley is dating. He told her to leave Twitter, and she agreed.

Sounds like a decent guy, sparing the rest of us from having to read about Miley’s Tweets. Good for the both of them!

- That’s it? You don’t have more of an angle than “we don’t have to read about Miley’s Tweets anymore?”

Honestly, Geoffrey, have you ever known me to care about Miley Cyrus’ Twitter account before?

- No.

And if I did, do you think I’d have any use for a youth culture / viral media consultant like yourself?

- No.

So why don’t you tell me what we should think about Miley Cyrus’ choice to leave Twitter?

- I dunno. Like, she shouldn’t let some man tell her whether or not she uses Twitter.

Geoffrey, I see where you’re going with that. I do. And while I agree with the sentiment, I’m going to choose to ignore it on the grounds that the world is a better place when Miley Cyrus expresses herself less often.

- That may be, but do you really think Miley is going to express herself less often, or will she just channel her energy into other avenues? What if she starts a blog?

That’ll be good for her. The chance to make drafts and do a little proofreading might be good for her.

- Ah. So you think she’s just being too impulsive with her Tweets?

Not really. I don’t think about her enough to really have an opinion about her.

- You’d rather sit around looking at weird animal penises than talk about Miley Cyrus.

Bingo, Geoffrey. Fucking Bingo.