Modern Primate

- Hey boss, have you seen this location-based real-time Instagram feed thingie?

Do you really think I could have missed it?

- I dunno. Maybe you missed it.

Really, Geoffrey? It’s like, the only thing anyone is talking about today. The Next Web, DVICE, Waxy Links, Laughing Squid, Designboom, and pretty much everyone else online today has posted about it.

- Is there a problem with also talking about the biggest thing that everyone is talking about?

The problem, Geoffrey, is that people who read our site have almost definitely already heard about it, and unless we have something to add to the story I’d rather not mention it.

- Well, ya know, I’d just Tweet it out if I had a Twitter account. Speaking of which, why don’t I have a Twitter account yet?

I began setting up @GeoffreyKitty a few weeks back but for some reason they suspended the account before I even got a single tweet out. The only reason I can think of is that we violated their Terms of Service because you don’t technically qualify as a real person.

- Are you kidding me? What about Jason Scott’s cat @Sockington?

I know.

- What about @KeyBoardCat?

Funny you should mention that. That’s actually a squatter that hasn’t even Tweeted in three years. The official Keyboard Cat is stuck with @TheKeyboardCat.

- Huh. Anyway, @GeoffreyKitty is a stupid, infantile-sounding name.

Geoffrey, you’re three years old.

- Why not @GeoffreyTheCat, though? Three is adult by cat standards.

@GeoffreyTheCat is taken by a cat who’s only ever Tweeted twice, and probably died two years ago.

- I still don’t understand why those other cats are allowed to have Twitter profiles and I’m not.

I don’t know why either. I filed a report but Twitter hasn’t gotten back to me about it.

- I just feel like I’m being treated like a second class citizen because I’m a cat.

Technically, you’re not even a cat. You’re an imaginary cat.

- Thanks for reminding me as though I didn’t have a full-on existential meltdown after coming to that realization.

Hey, don’t feel so bad. Someone’s been squatting on @chrismenning without ever having Tweeted once for at least four years, and Twitter won’t do anything about getting that to me either.

- Maybe you ought to just set up a Facebook profile for me. I’d be cool with posting status updates instead of Tweets.

I could do that, but it would most likely get shut down as well. Facebook is looking to start shutting down all of their profiles that don’t represent real people.

- You know, I don’t think the real issue here is that I’m a cat, or even that I’m an imaginary cat. It’s that I’m not a famous cat.

Hey, that’s the way of the world, Geoffrey.

- *sigh* What are we doing, boss?

Right this moment? Listening to “Days Gone By” by Eastern Sun and John Kelley and thinking about the last four years.

- You’re wondering how and why you’ve come to think so seriously about social network profiles for imaginary cats, huh?

Bingo, Geoffrey. Fucking bingo.

- Heavy vibes, boss. If it were raining outside we could both stare out the window and think melancholy thoughts together.

You know what? Fuck it. That’s going to be my new Tumblr. Cats staring out the window at the rain dot tumblr dot com.

- Glad I could be of service!