Modern Primate

- Dear God, what is that?

Geoffrey! Glad you could make it! Say hello to Nathan!

- Nathan? You named a dog Nathan?

Nathan’s not just any dog. He’s the best dog in the world. Isn’t that right? Who’s my good boy?

- Should I come back?

No no. He’s not going to be less in need of attention for probably a few months, as far as I know. He’s still just a baby.

- He’s bigger than I am!

Well, you’re a cat and he’s a pitbull. Anyway!

- Anyway. What do you think of this Mitt Romney noise?

Oh, yeah, that. A couple friends of mine had it out on Facebook about that. I tried to follow while trying to keep Nathan from devouring the lamp, the ottomans, my computer cables, the carpet… I mean, I know that dogs like to chew on things in general but he’s teething so he wants to chew on everything!

- Romney!

Right! So Mitt said something like how 47% of Americans are on welfare and how he thinks it’s not his job to try to convince them that he cares about them. I haven’t seen it but it sounds like something he’d say.

- Here. Watch this Daily Show clip to catch up.

[9 minutes passes]

Oh yeah. I heard the part before where he said he thought he’d have it easier if he was Latino, then got all defiant about how his father was born to Americans who had fled to Mexico. I looked into it. His great grandfather went to Mexico to avoid the US’s anti-polygamy laws. Not his grandfather, but his great-grandfather. His grandfather was born and raised in Chihuahua Mexico. He had a son, Mitt’s father, who then fled Mexico during the revolution. The way he tries to distance himself from his Mexican heritage is kind of weird. He claims that his father was born to Americans in Mexico, but at that point he’s a third generation Mexican. So what he really means when he says he’s not a Latino is that his bloodline is untainted by the indigenous people. Despite the fact that the Mexican cultural identity is a multiethnic one to begin with, he’s reluctant to claim it. At this point he could have just as well added, “Don’t worry, I’m still a white guy.”

- Noted. Next on the agenda, the iPhone 5.

It’s longer, lighter, chiseled down. It’s a streamlined version of what came before. It’s only slightly changed, but those changes are sold as vast improvements. It’s all about selling the idea of progress.

- So are you not going to get one then?

Oh I probably will.

- Ah. You’re one of those people. The Cult of Apple.

Nope. I’m not one of those people. I’m still using a 3Gs. I skipped the 4 and 4S all together, precisely because I refused to be one of those people. And do you know what that makes me?

- What’s that?

A guy who has a phone that’s slow and crashes all the time. My email has this weird bug where sometimes when I press the button to go back to my inbox, only the navigation menu actually goes back while the last email stays displayed on the screen. From there, you can’t get out. Your email is stuck. You have to turn it off and on again. Not to mention the Tumblr and Facebook apps are basically nonfunctional at this point.

- Why don’t you just get an Android device?

Getting an Android won’t solve the problems of aging and falling out of the window of currently supported devices, Geoffrey. Aww, look at Nathan. He’s sleeping.

- Finally. Maybe now we can get some work done! I’ve noticed you haven’t said anything at all about The Innocence of Muslims and the violent protests in response to it.

Oh yeah. What’s there to say about that? Religious fundamentalists react violently when their religion is insulted. That’s not a new thing. It’s certainly not only a Muslim thing either. Find the right group of under educated, low-income Christians and they’ll probably react violently to having their faith insulted as well.

- But don’t you think there’s something to be said about how most Muslim’s try to represent themselves as being peaceful, yet there are still so many violent protests?

Dude, did you not hear what I just said? Look at Christians. They’re all about loving thy neighbor and judging not lest ye be judged and shit. And they’ll also break a bottle over your head if you don’t think Dale Earnhardt is in heaven with Elvis.

- Woah, that was oddly racist. Or classist. Or something.

Hey, I’m only speaking from experience here. I’d love to have a conversation about the interplay of religion, culture, world politics, and the media without any prejudices — if such a thing is possible.

- Okay. So then, what do you think should be done about the anti-American protests in the Muslim world?

Nothing. Let them continue. It’s not like this is the beginning or the end of the last 2000 years of influence the Abrahamic religions have had on politically polarized peoples. It’s the same old “my god can beat up your god” thing.

- You keep insisting that Muslim fundamentalists aren’t any worse than other fundamentalists, but what about the point made by this cartoon from The Onion depicting Jesus, Moses, Ganesha and Buddha in an orgy?

Hey, you know, I’ve gotta give them props for pushing the envelope on Rule 34. This is sure to be horribly offensive to many, and probably no one was murdered in relation to its publication. But I think the point they’re making is gross.

- The point that Muslims are more inclined to commit murder over their beliefs?

The implication that all muslims will act congruent with a radical few. It’s the anti-Muslim sentiment served up in a way that generalizes extreme behaviors that I have a problem with. Oh the puppy is up. It’s been a little over 3 hours since his last pee break. Better take him outside.

- He looks fine. He’s not scratching at the door or anything.

He’s a baby. He’s still in training. It’s important to get him on a routine and keep him on it.

- All right. You have fun with that.