Modern Primate

Some of the most productive conversations I’ve ever had come from talking to my youth advisor/house cat Geoffrey.  Today, Geoffrey helped me to better understand how to utilize YOLO in regard to three point-of-purchase scenarios.

Geoffrey, could you come in here when you get a chance?

- Yes, sir, what is it?

Geoffrey, what do you make of this YOLO word the kids are using lately?

- You only live-

Once, yes, you only live once, I know what it stands for Geoffrey.

- Then what seems to be the problem, sir?

The problem, Geoffrey, is that I can’t seem to figure out which situations warrant the use of a YOLO and which don’t.

- You’re serious?

Do I look like I’m joking, Geoffrey? Keeping up to date on the lexicon of the youth is essential in today’s social media marketplace.

- So, you are serious then?

*sigh* Geoffrey. Help me out. I’m at the store and I’m presented with a choice between a Sprite and a Diet Sprite. I choose the regular Sprite. Is this YOLO?

- Um, sure, I guess.

Fantastic! Now how about this one? I’m at the gas pump-

- And you choose Premium over regular and unleaded?

Yes, that’s right.

- Sure, YOLO works there too.

Great! Now how about this? You’ve purchased a new mattress, and the tag keeps rubbing your feet the wrong way. Now, you know you’re not supposed to remove it-

- Actually, that’s a myth. It usually says the tag isn’t supposed to be removed except by the consumer. That consumer is usually you.

But.. Suppose you don’t know that…

- Everybody knows that nowadays, sir.

But… Supposing they didn’t…

- Yes! Fine! Ripping the tag off your mattress is a YOLO. Is that what you want to hear?

What I want to hear, Geoffrey, is whether or not I’m using a word in a manner convincing to our target demographic. Now, you open the fridge and find soda, OJ, purple stuff and Sunny D. You choose the Sunny D. Is this YOLO?

- Sir, it… it doesn’t really work like-

It’s a simple question, Geoffrey! Is this YOLO or isn’t it?

- No, sir, this is not YOLO.

And why not?!

- It just… I mean… It’s supposed to imply that you’ve chosen the more enjoyable option, throwing caution to the wind, living dangerously, that sort of thing.

Geoffrey…

- Yes?

Have you tasted Sunny D next to the leading juice drinks?

- Yes?

It’s fucking incredible. Like the nectar of the gods.

- So you’ve decided Sunny D is also worth a YOLO, then?

Yes, no thanks to you.