Modern Primate

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Whitney Phillips

Whitney Phillips

Author

35 posts

  1. The Learning Channel LOL

    Recently I was asked to serve as Modern Primate’s chief enfreakment correspondent. I’ve always had a soft spot for terrible things, so of course I jumped at the chance! For my first post, I’ll be taking my readers on a trip down memory lane. You see, there wasn’t always such a smorgasbord of what in the holy fuck, on television. But as they say, Rome wasn’t built in a day – and neither did cable television open its farting vortex of wat in one fell swoop. No, the nation’s love-affair with weird came in increments, bolstered by the ascendency of TLC. Did you know that TLC, or as it was once known, “The Learning Channel,” was founded in conjunction by NASA and the Department of Health, Education and Welfare? It was, because of all the learning! When you think about it, the network hasn’t changed much over the years. Well maybe a little. Let’s take a look, shall we? Read More »

  2. facebook-dislike-button

    Earlier this summer I graduated with my PhD from the University of Oregon, and in mid-August my partner and I moved cross-country to New York City. During the first few days of the move, I was too overwhelmed to think about What This Meant For My Life—my focus was “we need to buy this shit” and “we need to buy that shit” and “oh shit, how do we get all this shit back to our apartment??” After ten frantic days, we’re almost done with the buying-of-shit stage, and, partially as a result of having to sit around waiting for the various vendors to deliver said shit, I’m suddenly aware of all the metaphorical (and I suppose literal) dust that settled while I wasn’t looking. Most obviously, I’m just now making sense of the fact that I’m not going back home, although not home, but to what used to be home; just “there” now. I won’t be going back there, not anytime soon.

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  3. blingee santorum featured

    Previously on Santorum Slashfic, Matt Roomby brainstormed ideas for reaching out to the mom vote, then settled in with Ricky for some light erotic reading. This week, Ricky flexes his creativity bone. Better make yourself a whiskey sour, Ricky’s a pretty slow worker!

    Just like his advisors suggest, Matt Roomby takes a nice picture for his latest round of mailers in front of an old dilapidated barn, like they used to have in the Depression. In addition to wearing the most worn-in pair of blue jeans he could buy at Nordstrom’s, Matt tries to look a little mean so all the moms will think he is at least one shade of Grey. Research sure pays off sometimes!

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  4. skippy virgin

    Last winter, TLC took their exploifreakment game to the next level by airing Virgin Diaries, a one-hour special devoted to the “challenges, truths and anticipations” faced by America’s adult virgins. TLC insisted that the show was a “celebration” of its subjects’ unspoilt lunchmeat, an argument one could also make of Toddlers and Tiaras (a celebration of the mother daughter bond), or My Strange Addiction (a celebration of the varieties of gastronomical experience), or 18 19 Kids and Counting (a celebration of heterosexual hoarding). Yes, a celebration, ok!

    Although I was excited to meet the hymens, I was unfortunately unable to catch the premiere. This was genuinely upsetting, as—for some reason!—TLC only aired the special once. I searched for a torrent, but no luck; I scoured my favorite semi-legal streaming websites, but nothing; WHO WAS I GOING TO HAVE TO SCREW TO GET MY HANDS ON THE VIRGIN DIARIES??

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  5. 50 shades of romney featured

    Previously on Santorum Slashfic, Ricky learned a valuable lesson about online dating. This week, Ricky tries to make sense of the latest crisis to hit the Romney campaign. Please check your gently used copies of 50 Shades of Grey at the door, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride!

    Everybody in Matt Roomby’s house keeps talking about the brain capital and Ricky Santorum is very confused! He knows that when a place has a lot of one thing, people sometimes call it the that-thing capital. But if that’s true, how come there are no brains anywhere??

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  6. ricky santorum grindr featured

    Previously in Santorum Slashfic, Ricky was settling into his new life as Matt Roomby’s dog Jeff Gordon. This week, Ricky tries to make contact with his long lost friend Michael on Grindr, his new favorite app. Pull up a smart phone and join me, will you?

    Even though he is supposed to be Matt Roomby’s dog Jeff Gordon, Ricky Santorum still carries a smart phone. At first Matt Roomby thought this was strange, and one morning asked Ricky why he always played Bubble Shooter whenever he went to the garden to go poop. “Woof woof,” Ricky said, and Matt Roomba just laughed.

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  7. magic mike cast

    Earlier this weekend I convinced my boyfriend to go see Magic Mike. Because why not, that’s the sort of thing a normal girlfriend would want to go do. For some reason Chris wanted to avoid the stripper-hooting crowds, so we decided to catch the 4:50 pm showing. This wasn’t ideal—for me, crowds are often the best and most amusing part of the movie-going experience—but I figured that was a good compromise and anyway, wanted to make sure we got home in time to watch the History Channel’s newest episode of Ancient Aliens (they promised to answer the burning question of whether or not Leonardo da Vinci had been abducted by aliens, or experienced time travel—OR BOTH).

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  8. fox news M for your awful ladybrain

    Recently our own Curt Rancor wrote an article trollishly extolling the virtues of Fox News’ new lifestyle magazine, Fox News M. “With a layout inspired by Pinterest,” he wrote, “her delicate mind won’t have any trouble navigating features like Brooklyn Decker’s Beach Secrets, 8 Steps to Really Clean Windows, How to Keep Mealybugs out of your Flour, and other articles relevant to her unique lifestyle as a housekeeper and a wife.”

    In short, Fox News M is great for tiny ladybrains negatively affected by things like “news” or “thinking.” You know what happens when ladybrains try to think –as opposed to shop–through their problems! They might mean well, but before you know it they’ll be splattering period blood all over your man cave. What a hassle, amirite fellas?

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  9. take the activia challenge

    So far, the Presidential nomination process has supplied the American people with enough facepalms and uncomfortable laughter to last every man, woman and child well into 2013. Lost in this torrid shitshow has been the subtle art of political slashfic—UNTIL NOW. Each week I’ll select a particular media artifact (a picture, video clip, or ill-conceived comment) and will write a story based on the people, places or things contained therein. When we last saw Rick Santorum, he had just found a new career as Mitt Romney’s beloved family dog. Let’s see how he’s getting settled in!

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  10. sambrickheader

    The following is part of a series on Honorary Trolls, individuals singularly talented in the art of controversy. Some Honorary Trolls are actual trolls, others have a score to settle, and others simply make poor life choices! Whatever their motivations, there are many lulz to be had. Join me, will you?  

    Recently, the online concernasphere has fallen prey to a new breed of troll, best described as the hotness troll. The process by which the trollbait is set is twofold: first, the woman in question makes outrageous claims about her natural good looks, which she augments with an attack against the “jealous bitches” who make pretty girls’ lives so difficult. Having set this trap, she waits for the inevitable backlash, either clutching her pearls or tenting her fingers (or both!) as her intended audience enacts precisely the behaviors she’s preemptively accused them of.

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