Modern Primate

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Today is my birthday. In honor of that, I’ve decided to make you all very uncomfortable.

If you were born in July, that means you were most likely conceived in October. And that means it’s entirely plausible that there’s something about preparing for Halloween that got your parents in the mood for making babies.

The following is an exploration of the circumstances that might have lead to your conception, assuming the usual 9 month gestation period. Sorry premies. You don’t get to play.

Born in July: Conceived in October

Don’t let your beginning-of-summer celebration fool you into thinking you’re a child of the sun. With all the masks, costumes, and jangling chains, who can blame your mom and dad for getting excited?

Born in August: Conceived in November

Those puritanical parents of yours were SO THANKFUL for each other that they decided to show their gratitude with an extra side of stuffing! Maybe it was the reminder of how much they dislike their in-laws that brought them closer together. Either way, you’ll never look at a turkey the same again.

Born in September: Conceived in December

Have you ever noticed how your mom and dad seem to get extra handsy with each other each Holiday season? It’s might have something to do with the cold weather, or it might be the fact that your mom likes to be watched by old men who creep in through the chimney.

Born in October: Conceived in January

You know how your mom has always been a fan of Dick Clark? That’s because she saw his face within an hour of dancing topless on a bar, meeting your dad, and ringing in a very special New Year.

Born in November: Conceived in February

To anyone who thinks that Valentine’s Day is just a scam perpetrated by greeting card companies and chocolate manufacturers, you can tell them to shove it! You’re living proof that roses and reservations actually work on some women – women like your mom.

Born in December: Conceived in March

You know what they say about March; in like a lion, out like a lamb, am I right? Or is it in like a lamb, out like a lion? Regardless, the weather was shit and your parents spent a lot of time staying inside, entertaining each other’s private parts out of sheer boredom.

Born in January: Conceived in April

As the deadline for filing their income taxes crept closer, your parents’ resentment for each other grew. Luckily for them, they like their sex angry and aggressive. So the next time you’re bitter about Christmas and/or Hanukkah overshadowing your birthday, remember that not only are your parents cheapskates, but they’re into the freaky stuff too. And here you thought your birthday made you pious.

Born in February: Conceived in May

I hate to break it to you, but your dad has a bit of an Oedipus complex. Mother’s Day really turned your dad on, and he was determined to turn your mom from a lovely lady to a total MILF.

Born in March: Conceived in June

With the school year nearing its end your parents knew that they’d have to stockpile the orgasms before sacrificing the rest of the summer chauffeuring your snot-nosed siblings around to all their summer activities. You, my friend, are the product of a hurried, impatient nooner, possibly with some clothes still on.

Born in April: Conceived in July

The smell of fireworks and hot dogs were thick in the air, as your young parents celebrated their freedom together. Their stomaches, full of light beer and potato salad, made sloshing noises like bags full of sick as their knees became imprinted with the checkerboard pattern of the picnic blanket on which their lovemaking commenced. America. Fuck Yeah.

Born in May: Conceived in August

Sometimes the best way to cool off in the hottest month of the year is to produce as much sweat as possible. And sweat they did, your mom and dad! This wasn’t the time for soft caresses and whispered sweet-nothings. This was the sticky, stinky, loudly-grunting animal sex that you’d hear through the wall every year of your childhood at home, scarring you for life. When they ask why you haven’t managed to meet the right person yet, remember, there’s no shame in living an asexual lifestyle.

Born in June: Conceived in September

With your brothers and sisters finally back in school, your parents had plenty of time to be alone together. They both called in sick and skipped work for the day so they could dedicate the next eight hours to giving each other all the attention they hadn’t had time for through the summer. Why do you think they saw through your every attempt at playing hooky? They were doing it themselves. Sometimes on the kitchen table. The same table where you ate your afternoon snacks. Good luck getting that image out of your head.

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